Go Your Own Way
by LisaDouglas
Summary: Carson never considered Mrs. Hughes a woman with no standards…
1. Gone Another Way

*I realize that this is like really out there for an idea, it's very… modern. It's just something I thought of and wanted to play with a bit.

Ch 1- Gone Another Way

Mrs. Hughes bit her lip nervously, absentmindedly crumpling the letter into a ball and shoving it into the back of the drawer. She sighed, bracing herself against the dresser, her mind racing. Eyes closed, she took a deep breath through her nose in an attempt to steady herself. It was all coming too fast, her world crashing down before her. She looked around her quiet, lonely little room, surveying its emptiness for a moment. Sure it was a lonely life, but it was a privileged one. She was safe at Downton, well cared for, healthy… it didn't matter that she was a servant, her life was a far cry from what it would've been if she'd allowed her apparent destiny to win out: life as a farmer's wife, miserable, sickly and the mother of ten or eleven unfortunate souls.

Elsie sighed again, forcing herself to open the drawer and take out the letter again. It was from her mother's neighbor in Argyle. _'She's not doing well,'_ it said. _'It'll be anytime_ ," it warned, _'Becky is frightened and needs you._ ' Elsie paused for a moment before shoving the letter back into the drawer, slamming it shut in a fit of anger that was rapidly evolving into pure disgust, the mirror rattling violently on top of the bureau. She huffed, her own aging image catching her gaze as the mirror shook, slower by the second eventually finding its resting place again.

She'd left Argyle many years before out of restlessness and to the need earn money for the family after her father grew ill. Overtime she'd grown used to the life of luxury, of living in a great house like Downton Abbey, and while she lamented that she hadn't had a family of her own she didn't seriously think she would trade life at Downton for anything, but she was going to have to. When her mother died, _soon_ apparently, Elsie was going to have to return to Scotland and live a meager existence caring for her sister Becky, who was not right in the head. She'd known this was coming since she was very young, maybe as young as seven years old, but she never thought the day would come so soon and she didn't want it to.

Elsie stared at herself in the mirror, studying her bitterly sad expression. She didn't want life to change, not in this way. She was at least content with this life, but she dreamed of another, one that was growing increasingly distant by the day. She closed her eyes, putting her head down at the thought.

'No, no lass you must train yourself to think of something else!' She chastised.

You see, Elsie fantasized about life gone another way: one with a wonderful husband and bairns of her own. It wasn't just any life, the life she would've had with Joe Burns or any other farmer who'd been keen on her when she was younger. Instead it was a life with Downton's formidable butler, Charles Carson. Pure fantasy, it was something the housekeeper never seemed to be able to keep out of her mind. She thought about it at breakfast when he sat at her side, loudly commanding the rest of the staff, and all throughout the day as they talked and worked together. She dwelled on it at night when he'd come into her sitting room for a glass of sherry, smiling at her deeply with warm, kind eyes and an inviting smile as he inquired about her musings on life. She mulled about it endlessly, in bed alone at night, her thoughts often drifting from the kindness in his eyes to the strength of his chest, the warmth of his embrace and inevitably to what it would feel like to be wrapped safely in those arms, skin on skin. It was as if Charles Carson followed her everywhere she went, every waking second and often during her sleep too.

She was a woman obsessed. The trouble was, this wasn't something she felt she could tell him. She'd tried once, not long ago.

"Do you ever wish," She'd asked, "that you'd gone another way…"

It'd taken her forever to get up the gumption to inquire and she'd only done so because of the loss of Master Patrick, Downton's heir, on the Titanic. It'd made her think about how fleeting life was and that it could so easily pass you by and that would be that. Elsie put the letter down again, careful with it this time. Life was fleeting and while it wasn't like her fantasy, Elsie suddenly realized that she wasn't really living it alone _he_ was by her side and while he wasn't her lover he was the closest thing she had to a partner and a trusted best friend. She gulped, her eyes welling with tears when she realized leaving Downton met loosing him….forever.

She shook her head and sniffled, trying to will herself not to continue crying but she couldn't help it, she had no control over the tears that streamed down her cheeks. She was a giving person, who'd always known that one day she'd have to go, sooner rather than later, but she'd never given thought to _loosing_ what she did have with him. Elsie let out an audible moan as she collapsed onto the edge of her bed. How was she to leave him, to ever forget him if she he seemed to haunt her when he was by her side? Surely life without him in it at all would be tantamount to hell. She'd almost rather die. Part of her wished she could tell him that, that she could confess everything on her heart… that she were free to do that. She was sure it would offend his formal sensibilities.

"They say this too shall pass." She reminded herself, nervously rubbing her knees.

She'd gotten he letter just past dinner hour. Soon it would be that time again, when the two of them would meet to discuss the day. Usually she relished their private time. It was when she'd look into his eyes and allow herself to get lost there, pretending they were off in another world, she his wife.

'It was a nice little dream while it lasted Elsie.' She told herself. 'But dreams don't come true for you lass, remember?'

She gulped, wiping a tear from her cheek and straightening her dress as she stood, realizing she'd have to tell him sooner or later. Elsie cringed, afraid he wouldn't be upset to see her go: that would crush her.

Elsie eyed herself in the mirror, taking special care to make her hair tidy before going downstairs, just as she always did before their nightcap. Mrs. Hughes wasn't sure how she hadn't realized all she'd have to give up in leaving Downton Abbey: a wonderful job, security, employers who she liked, a nice home that wasn't hers but was too lovely not to appreciate, Beryl (who she loved too), Charlie, and her secret fantasy of a life with him. Although she knew it was just a silly dream, the whole thing kept Elsie sane in many ways.

She wanted to go another way now more than she'd ever thought possible and it was simply too late. You see Mrs. Hughes was aging, but not old. She'd asked him about a wife and children because she wanted children desperately. Her biological clock was ticking fast, with just seconds left on it, it seemed and she found herself literally aching for a child of her own. Lately, she noticed she was staring at mothers in the village; her arms, heart and belly feeling painfully empty as she walked back to the Abbey alone… She would've never wanted the ten or eleven she'd have been destined to have as a farmer's wife, but she deeply lamented the one or two who'd never come.

Elsie gulped as she made her way out of her room. Downton was the first time in her life that she'd had a place to call her own and she didn't want to give that up either, not for anyone. The last thing she wanted to do was fall into a life of poverty, but again, that was what was going to happen.

'Do you ever wish you'd gone another way?' She thought about asking him as she made her way down the stairs. She paused just before the last step when she heard his booming, formidable voice chastising Thomas. His words were harsh but the mere inflection of his tone filled her heart with joy. She stood there, unseen, swooning as he came into view.

'Good evening Charlie.' She wanted to say, her imagination taking over.

Elsie stared at him as he yelled at Thomas, thinking about the world in her head she'd have to forego very soon. She'd miss everything about it: the little cottage with the picket fence, their wonderful little lads and their youngest, a redheaded lass. She'd even miss the moment she dreaded most every day, the part where he got up to leave and said, 'good-night Mrs. Hughes,' breaking her out of her reverie and reminding her that she was not a Carson, or a married woman, or a mother. It broke her heart a little every time, but at least the fact that he did it met that she was with him. Elsie sighed realizing how absurdly lovesick she was.

"Thomas you have no standards!" Carson barked. Elsie listened carefully, remaining hidden from his view. "You have no regard for anyone else, or for yourself or what you say!"

Carson continued, but Elsie zoned out. Thomas had no regard for anyone else that was for sure. She paused in thought, contemplating the idea of what it met to have no regard for anyone else and after a moment she wondered why she should have regard either. Life was short, fleeting and hers was soon to be over, so why should she have any hesitation in admitting her feelings to him… well because of Becky she supposed, there was no way to get out of caring for her.

Elsie snuck into her sitting room, thinking about her new idea as she got out the sherry glasses. She laughed bittersweetly when she opened her desk drawer, finding a picture of a baby from a magazine inside. She sighed, about to tell herself that maybe it'd be her time for a happy family in another life when an absolutely insane idea struck her.

'No you can't do that! B-but… why not…your life is over, you're never going to see him again anyway or anyone else you know… what do you care if he says no, if he thinks you're a woman of no standards… and for that matter… what do you have to gain if he says yes…' Elsie paused, wondering if there was a chance that this was a risk worth taking, like when she'd decided to go into service instead of being a farmer's wife.

"Ah! I'm sorry Mr. Carson, you startled me." She giggled when she turned to find him standing there, a small smile on his handsome face.

Elsie had no idea that Carson harbored feelings for her as well, ones so deep that they nearly rivaled her affections for him. But like her, he was too afraid to approach her, feeling that he would simply get rejected and he didn't think he could handle that. He paused, not saying anything for a moment, his gazed focused on the fullness of her cheeks and the brightness of her smile; her smile filled his mind every waking second, and like her, he considered himself a being entranced.

"Hello Mrs. Hughes, sorry to have frightened you… I haven't seen you all evening."

"No." She said, handing him one of the glasses of sherry she'd just poured. She sighed as she sat down. "Mr. Carson we need to talk."

"Yes Thomas, he…"

"No… you see my mother is… she's going to pass away soon."

"Oh. I'm-I'm so sorry to hear that. Is there anything I could…?"

She shook her head no. "Soon I will have to leave service and go live with my sister, to care for her… she's not right in the head you see and…"

Elsie didn't notice the distraught look on his face when she began to explain that she was leaving. He swallowed hard, trying to hold back tears. "When will you be going?"

"I'm not sure yet…"

"Well, I suppose you do get to go another way after all."

Elsie paused. So he had truly heard that question.

"That's just what I wanted to talk to you about Mr. Carson, you as much told me you'd liked to have gone another way…"

Elsie stopped herself; barely believing she was about to propose this. She was a woman of great moral fiber, how could she suggest such an abominable thing? Carson gazed at her, expecting an answer and something inside her pushed her to continue after all, if he found her disgusting, she'd never see him again anyway.

"Y-yes." He hesitated, wondering what she was getting at. "I sometimes wish very much I'd gone another way."

"You see… I may be trapped by the circumstances with my sister but… I want to go my own way while I still can." She'd realized only minutes earlier that it wasn't truly _too late_ there was still a small chance and she was forcing herself to take it. "I could never ask you to leave your family at Downton but…" She paused again, his heart pounding, leave Downton, what was she implying?! "Mr. Carson there is no easy way to ask you this… would you like to be a father Mr. Carson, while you still have the chance?"

"Mrs. Hughes!" He chastised, almost yelling at her, he couldn't believe she, the woman he loved, would suggest such an intimate, vile thing. He was floored. "I never considered you a woman with no standards!"

"I knew you wouldn't understand I'm truly sorry Mr. Carson, I suppose this is my resignation." She said, lowering her head as she began to tear up, rushing toward the door. She stopped feeling something grab her arm as she reached for the door.

"Wait!" He cried, squeezing her hand tight in his own. She turned to face him with surprise. "What are you suggesting?"

"I'm leaving with my sister, and going to Scotland to the middle of nowhere to live on a pittance for the rest of my life Mr. Carson… I wanted to go another way I wanted a family of my own and lacking that, I wouldn't want to give up Downton Abbey, but I have to and…I suppose I might as well say straight out it now that I've asked you…"

"What?"

She sighed. "I want to have a child." She swallowed. "Someone to love, to give me hope…I'm not getting any younger, and I'm no going to have a man in my life… not one who I trust and who I…" Elsie decided to approach this from a business perspective. "No one will ever know, where I'm going that I'm not a widow, I'll never see anyone I know again." She admitted. "And I just, I want to have a baby, and I want…."

"To have it with me." He finished, his heart racing so fast he thought he'd pass out. What was she saying? Did she love him? How could he agree to such a vile thing?! She nodded simply. "That would mean we'd have to…" Carson felt his heart flutter and his stomach drop when he realized she was asking him to make love before she left.

"Yes… please don't be upset. I suggested it because I want a child so much and I know you do Mr. Carson… it's a way to give us both the ability to go another way: me without being lonely forever, and for you to have a child without responsibility and consequences. The bairn and its mother would be far away where no one would ever know. All I ask is that you don't forget about us, write to the babe, maybe visit every once in a while so he knows he has a Daddy."

Carson's heart continued to pound so loudly he couldn't hear himself think. He stared down into her bright blue eyes, looking back at him seeming desperate with hope, longing, embarrassment and fear all at once. It was a strange combination, as if she were begging both for her desire and to be forgiven all at once and he hated to see that look on her. Carson paused for a prolonged second, considering her request.

On one hand, he didn't think he could be part of something so…improper and immoral, of fathering a child out of wedlock, on purpose! But on another he dreamed of seeing this beautiful woman bear him his own child, lad or lass he didn't care a bit as long as it had her eyes. Moreover, the thought that he would get to be with her, to make love to her as he'd thought of nearly every night, it was temptation that was simply too much for him and he, a mere man, found himself unable to resist it.

Elsie gasped as he approached her, a very serious look in his eye as he came right up to her and looked down into her face, leaning forward and beginning to kiss her. His lips locked with hers in an instant and she found herself melting into his embrace, trying to will herself to wake up, sure it was a dream…

"Mrs. Hughes. Just promise one thing?"

"What?" She asked, her heart quickening.

"Our baby will have your nose."


	2. I've Got You

Ch 2- I've Got You

Elsie almost shook, clinging to his sweaty palm as they ducked into the dimly lit hall, making sure the coast was clear. The cover of night served to conceal them as they crept toward a rarely used guest wing of the house where even the maids seldom went. It was the perfect place, Elsie had said, to begin their clandestine tryst, she didn't even know if you could call it an affair. She shook, her hand firmly in his grasp as she led him up a dark back staircase that even he had only used a few times in his many years at the house. They'd thought of waiting until late and trying to sneak her into the men's quarters but decided against it.

'This will be more private.' She'd assured.

Elsie was afraid, but trusted Carson tremendously, and he was more nervous than he'd ever been in the whole of his life. He'd always dreamed of a night with her and even thought about it every time he came to her sitting room in the evening to spend time by her side. But he'd never expected that a night with her would go quite like this. He'd always supposed that there would be declarations of love first, and at least an engagement, if not a wedding. Oh how he loved her, he wished, so deeply he could make her see that.

Carson watched her carefully as she led him down the hall, this one deep dark and completely unlit. He gulped; reminded that there was no going back once she turned the lock on the door. She still shook in his grasp, signifying to him that she was scared. He squeezed her hand, trying to calm her, glad that he'd decided to bring a bottle of wine and two glasses with him upstairs.

"This one." She whispered, slowly opening the door, feeling his body press up directly behind her. She inhaled sharply at his touch, nearly jumping.

Carson was surprised at how grand a room she'd chosen but he couldn't say he wasn't pleased. It had a big cozy chair, a grand fireplace and a formidable looking four-poster bed, not unlike the one Lord and Lady Grantham slept in. It hadn't been occupied in a while and was a bit dusty, but nice all the same.

"Are you very sure about this?" He asked when she shut the door.

She looked small to him in that moment, and all the more frightened. He was unsure himself; mostly mired in a kind of disbelief he could barely even register and didn't know how to feel about the whole thing. Part of him was thrilled with the idea, another part certain he was allowing himself to embark on a long, painful road, and yet another portion of his being still practically bursting with anticipation. He was going to make love to the woman he loved and had loved for years. He would be able to touch her, to hold her and to, with his body, say everything he could not say with his words.

He smiled kindly, studying her nervous expression and took the liberty of taking her face gently in his hands, causing her to look up at him, her eyes flashing with uncertainty.

"You needn't be so afraid of me, or of… of what we're about to do."

Elsie gulped. She was afraid and more than anything, felt like a fool. She'd jumped on a silly idea, without giving much thought to the reality of following through with it. She'd never imagined he'd say yes, to making love without marrying her, or to agreeing to try to have a baby with her. The whole thing was sheer insanity and like something straight out of her misguided fantasies. Elsie stared up at him, transfixed and so nervous she was speechless.

"I-I-I…" She began and he leaned down to kiss her again.

"Relax." He whispered kindly when he pulled away understanding in an instant that she'd not done this before. "I will take care of you." He promised. "Trust me."

Love pierced her heart when he said this, it made her wish that his statement was true and transcended beyond this room, beyond any baby they might make together, and into every corner of her existence. He felt the same, his heart breaking a little as he cradled her cheeks in his hands, wishing he could just say it; 'I love you I always have.'

"Are you sure?" He asked instead, her face still in his grasp. She simply nodded, staring up at him with lovesick eyes as he kissed her again.

"Are you?"

"Very." He told her. "Just relax, Mrs. Hughes. I know you are afraid but when done right, when done, with… with communication… with… trust… with affection." He wished he were brave enough to say love. "It can be a very, very wonderful thing. I promise."

Carson quickly went to work building a fire in the hearth and when he was finished, poured her a large glass of red wine, hoping she'd readily consume the whole thing and then some. Getting her tipsy would make the whole thing easier, at least to start off with.

"Mr. Carson…" She hesitated as she took her first sip of wine. "I… this is new for me I've never…" She wanted to clarify, hoping now that she'd asked him to do this, that he didn't think she was really that kind of woman.

"No, no I shouldn't think so."

"And you?"

"There was a girl when I was very young." He informed matter of factly. It struck her as odd that he seemed unusually emotionless about this.

"Oh?" She asked.

"Yes … she was a lover, but she wasn't an ounce as dear to me as are you, Mrs. Hughes."

She blushed when he said this, her heart swelling again. In truth, Carson had thought he'd given Alice his heart. What had ended up happening instead was that he gave her his virtue and had his heart smashed to bits, both things he regretted deeply. In contrast, he'd given Elsie his heart years before and never thought he'd receive her virtue in return. Carson let go of his nervousness, moving into kiss her again, deciding to take his reward and love like a man.

He took her in his arms and kissed her, this time much deeper than before, easing his tongue gently into her mouth. She was surprised at the new sensation but found herself melting into him, clinging to his embrace and wanting more from him. She gasped into his mouth when she felt his hand wander to the buttons on the back of her dress, starting at the very top and beginning to unbutton one after the other. He had decided being the more experienced party that he would do most of the work for her and do everything he could to put her mind at ease.

"Shuuu. It's alright Elspeth, I've got you."

…..

Elsie was overwhelmed and stared up straight at the ceiling, listening to Charlie's settling breath. She couldn't believe where she was or what had just transpired.

"Mr. Carson…"

"I think its Charlie and Elsie now." He clarified, still catching his breath.

"Charlie." She tried, loving the feel of his name rolling off of her tongue. She'd whispered it many times in private: Charlie, but saying it in his presence gave the word new and special meaning.

"That was…" He began.

He was in love with her, and as a result completely shell-shocked by what they had they'd just done. His heart and head, everything swirled, almost distorting reality for him. He was disoriented and struggled with whether or not to compliment her; he'd never known it could be that good, that heartfelt.

"What do you want?" She decided to change the subject to the baby.

"What do you mean?"

"The baby."

"Oh! Well I hardly think you're taking orders. It will be what it will be but, you're going to be living with it, what do you want?"

"I don't know… either. I would love a boy, but I would think a lass would be easier on me to raise alone."

Elsie paused, nervous about saying this. She didn't know if he was one of those men who wouldn't care much for a daughter, her own father had sort of been that way, at least when she was very small. Meanwhile for Carson, her words stung ' _to raise alone'_ … he did not want it to be that way and even if they remained unwed, even if they lived far apart he didn't want her to feel that she were alone or for his child to not know him.

"I should love either Mrs…. Elsie."

"You don't… you don't mind if I have a lass?"

"Part of me should prefer it." He smiled. "Who would not adore your daughter? I know I would be proud to be the da of such a wonderful lass." He laughed kindly, causing her to blush. When Carson thought about it; he liked the idea of fathering a mini Elsie.

She gasped, surprised when he leaned down to kiss her, giving her no warning before pressing his lips deeply into hers. She tilted her head, responding in kind and sighing. It had been a very timid first time in the beginning, especially given that it was her very first time, and only his second or third, but it had been better than Elsie had ever imagined it. It was the kind of experience that, baby or not, would make it harder for her to leave him behind than ever before.

"I love you." She whispered deep into his mouth as they kissed, but he did not hear her.

"I do have a request for you." He said, breaking the kiss. "You've issued your terms on our child and now it's my turn to issue mine."

"Oh?" She asked nervously, feeling him begin to stroke little circles on her lower back.

"First, should something happen to you; like death, for example, I insist the child be sent back to me."

"O-of course." She was stunned. She thought for sure he was about to say something like 'to an orphanage' or 'to my sister's.' "But what would you do, how would you…"

"I'm unsure, with hope I'll never have to think of it I just—if you're going to have my child Mrs. Hughes, I want you to be comforted in knowing that I'm as committed to caring for it as are you. And if something happens he or she will never know a day's loneliness. Daddy will be there."

"I picked the right man." She whispered and he kissed her forehead softly.

He gulped, wanting to say she'd chosen the only man, the man who loved her and longed to raise the child they conceived by her side.

"Secondly Mrs. Hughes, should you find yourself unable to feed the child or yourself I insist that you tell me and I will help."

"Oh but Charlie I…" She didn't want to be a kept woman or to feel like a mistress.

"Elsie. I will not create a child and put it out into the world to starve, not when I can and would like to provide for it. You asked me if I wanted to be a father without responsibility… and I do very much want to be a father… but I do want the responsibility." He explained almost sternly, causing a tear to run down her cheek. It was instant relief for the regret that had swept her once he'd crawled on top of her: she would not be alone in this, not in everyway.

"And even if you do not have a baby…please tell me if you need anything. I will not let you starve in the cold. I will not let you go without as long as I live, no matter where you are."

Elsie choked not knowing what to say, was this a confession of love or a promise made out of guilt?

"Thirdly, I expect to be with you when you have it."

"Charlie, I don't think doctors take kindly to men…"

"I want to know my child from its first day, and I don't want you to be alone in that either."

Instead of speaking further, he went back to kissing her. Elsie closed her eyes, relishing his touch, moaning softly as he pursued her, rolling her back onto her back. Elsie put her legs back, bracing herself as he repositioned on top of her. She understood his motivation right away, or she thought she did. She was leaving sometime soon and getting pregnant might take a while, so of course they should keep making love when they had the chance. In reality, he just wanted to hold her, to make love to her, to relish the chance to just be in her presence while he could.

"Thank you for making a vow to baby." She told him in between kisses.

His mind spun as he nibbled on her neck, wanting to tell her he longed to make a vow to her too, one that rung of a sacred promise and went something like this:

'With this ring I thee wed, with my body, I thee worship. For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish and obey till death do us part with all my worldly goods I thee endow.'

'God give me the strength to ask her.' He prayed nervously as she giggled underneath him, her nervousness about being in bed with him gone now.

She put on a good show but was secretly hoping he'd want to honor her in this way; that he'd want to be stuck with her forever.

"I love baby very much." He confessed, really speaking of her. "She just doesn't know that yet." He whispered, kissing her neck. She blushed, sighing deeply. "But she will, in time."

"Baby is going to be the best thing that ever happened to me." She whispered, pausing as she stared up into his eyes.

He said nothing, stopping as he cupped the dome of her head in his hands, kissing her lips, cheeks and forehead very sweetly as he sunk back into her depth.


	3. My Love

Ch 3- My Love

"I'm sorry Mr. Carson." Elsie said from her place at the edge of the bed.

It was late and he'd just finished putting a fire in the hearth. By now they'd grown used to spending the evening in the borrowed room tucked in a far away corner of the house. It was a lot like being alone in their own little corner of the world and something about that hurt them both tremendously.

"What do you mean sorry?" He asked, rather alarmed by her apology.

He hadn't admitted it to her but he'd been having the time of his life over these past few weeks and he never wanted it to end. He got to be with her more in the day, romance her in the evening and bed her at night; it was the best of all possible worlds and he wished he could tell her he thought so. He wished it were his fate: the rest of his life.

She sighed. "I'm sorry I asked you to do this: what if I can't have a baby? Nothing's happened yet."

"It's only been a month. It takes young couples longer than that sometimes…"

"Oh and how do you know?"

"Because the butler knows everything that goes on in this house Mrs. Hughes." He said, raising an eyebrow. She thought she understood at once that he was referring to Cora and that surprised her.

"What did she do?"

"Nature took its course as it will with you."

"You're a doctor all of a sudden?" She laughed.

"No. I just can _feel_ that this will happen." He smiled. "I think we'll have a very lovely child Mrs. Hughes."

"Charlie... I'm leaving soon. Just three weeks." She said sadly.

He grabbed her hand and just paused, holding it there as she squeezed his. He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it softly. "Elsie I have a proposition to make."

"Hum?"

"If you have to leave and you're not pregnant or you don't turn out to be, I will come, as often as I can manage and try to… remedy that."

Elsie stopped unsure of how she would manage a lover as a guest with Becky there asking too many questions.

"Mr. Carson I'm unsure you'll be with me often enough to…"

"It just takes the once and besides when you go, I shall miss you."

She sighed sadly, her heart leaping at the thought he'd miss her. "The very last thing on earth I want is to leave Downton." She confessed.

He paused, unsure if it was appropriate, then put his arm around her. She stopped in surprise before leaning her head on his chest.

"I…I don't want you to go." He confessed as she started to cry, clinging to his shirt now. "Shuu." He soothed, kissing her lips as she cried.

At first she thought he just wanted to shut her up, that was until he began to kiss her cheeks, effectively wiping her tears away with his lips. She smiled in spite of her sorrow, her heart breaking more at the thought of his sweetness. There was nothing more in the world she wanted than to stay with him: not her life at Downton, not his baby in her arms: nothing but him.

Elsie continued to cry as he laid her on the bed, quickly climbing on top of her. She felt him gently rub his nose against hers as he continued to kiss her cheeks and lips and gradually started to hum. She could swear she heard him whisper faintly between kisses, but wasn't sure until he clearly muttered, his lips barely touching hers:

'Dashing away with a smoothing iron she stole my heart away.'

Elsie's breath caught in her throat when she heard this, hoping it was true. Perhaps, if she didn't get pregnant, he'd come to Scotland and grow old with her? After all, he had said he'd miss her.

'No lass that's just silly talk.' She chastised herself, her heart dropping into her stomach. Suddenly she thought she'd be sick.

"Don't cry my love." He whispered, only catching himself as soon as he uttered the words, words she wanted to question. This time he did silence her, moving back in to kiss her again just as soon as she tried to speak.

…

Elsie awoke in the middle of the night, Charlie snoring at her side. She lay awake, marveling at how so much had changed over the last few weeks. Here she was, in bed with the man she loved and unwed, a proposition that would've horrified her only a month and a half before, and yet now she was hoping and praying to become pregnant by him.

The fire still burned slowly in the hearth giving off just enough light for her to see him clearly and for their clothes, which were strewn all over the floor to still be visible. It was an odd sight: her dress, his tie, his shirt, her corset: all their underthings in piles leading back up to the bed. It'd been this way night after night now and somehow she was still not used to it. The shy but knowledgeable virgin she'd been just a month before was long gone now. Elsie felt like that part of herself had been left behind years before. She was worldly now in a whole new way she never thought she would be.

Tonight had been so different from all the others. It hadn't been about sex, but pleasure. They'd tried a few new things, and he'd been far more physical with her than most of the nights preceding it. It was the kind of thing that scared her a little and made her start to wonder if he was in this for more than just procreation: if he was really attracted to her. It sure seemed like he was, from the way he caressed her skin so softly with large gentle hands that seemed to take the greatest care and pursue what he wanted at the same time, to how he held her in his arms: firmly as if she were trapped, but also as if she were a treasure. She'd never experienced anything like that night and it was keeping her awake.

'Well he's a man.' He told herself. 'Of course he wants to have sex… it doesn't mean he _loves_ you.'

Elsie stopped herself then and there, unable to think about the possibility that Carson didn't love her: that he was just using her for sex and as a way to have a baby. Elsie started to cry; his loving her was the greatest, most secret desire of her heart. She paused, considering what he'd said to her earlier:

'My love.' He'd spoken with conviction when he'd said it.

"Am I your love Charlie? Very secretly?" She whispered. He didn't reply but instead sighed in his sleep.

"You're my love Charlie Carson." She whispered, rubbing the tip of her nose against his. "And I'll love you till the day I die."

…

"Its nearly sunrise Mrs. Hughes wake up." He whispered, nudging her gently.

"Hmmm I'm tired Mr. Carson." She yawned.

"Well it was a rather long night." He laughed, wiping her hair out of her face.

"Hmmm."

"I know but we've a long day ahead of us Elsie, but if you don't get up, we'll be late and people might find out." He whispered, kissing her behind her ear.

Elsie shivered when he did it, feeling the warmest of chills run straight through her. She wanted to turn over and wrap her arms around him but refrained, not wanting to show the overabundance of emotion she felt. She didn't think it were possible, but with every touch, every kiss and every night together she was falling more and more in love and it was excruciating.

"How about you stay in bed for the day?" He suggested.

"I can't do that!" She sat up, surprised.

"I'll tell everyone you've gone to Ripon that you have things to tend to and won't be back till late. I'll bring you food and some nice books to read, and anything you'd like. No one will know you're here."

She sighed, not sure she liked the idea.

"Elsie perhaps if things aren't working out with the baby it's best to concentrate on mummy to be for a little while." He stopped, noticing her eyes light up when he called her mummy to be, knowing she still really wanted to have a child. "Perhaps it would make a difference if mummy were well rested. She works herself to the bone you know. And it might also make more a difference if mummy were a little more well nourished."

"What are you saying?" She raised her eyebrow.

"I'm saying that you stay here and rest and do what you like and I feed you from the kitchen because you don't get enough food or enough sleep Mrs. Hughes."

"I…"

"You don't." He said pointedly.

"How on earth will you manage that?"

He paused, thinking quickly. "Either I sneak about or we let Mrs. Patmore in on this."

"In on the fact that we're unmarried and trying to have a baby together!"

"She is your best friend. I expect you'll be staying in touch with her as you will with me."

"Well yes."

"Then eventually she'll know you have a child."

She sighed. "Yes. She would."

"And if she met that child she'd spot me in its smile in a minute."

"Yes I suppose she would…"

"Wouldn't it be less of a shock to her to know that I'm the father going into this?"

"Less or perhaps more."

"This way; should something happen to us both there will be someone else to whom we can give our baby and know she's cared for."

"I suppose someone else should know and I know Beryl would take our baby should something happen …but she'll think us immoral Charlie."

"I don't think us at all immoral. I think we're people who… who care very much for each other and who missed out on a family but still want one… together. Mrs. Hughes I won't lie… I want to be a father but the fact that you will be the child's mother… it gives me just the push I need to do it. I would want that with you, a baby with you, in a way I wouldn't with anyone else."

"Oh." Her heart skipped a beat. "Charlie. I feel the same." She swallowed hard.

He said nothing but smiled, getting out of bed and tucking her back inside it, kissing her cheeks.

"Good night Elsie, take a nap, I'll be back with brunch when I can manage it."

…

"Mrs. Patmore do you have a minute?" Carson asked, poking his head in the busy kitchen.

"Sure." She hesitated, wondering what he had to ask.

She dried her hands on a towel and left it on the counter next to Daisy before making her way to his pantry. He was at his desk, nervously twiddling his fingers.

"Would you like anything to drink?" He asked as she shut the door.

"Oh… no thank you Mr. Carson it's the middle of the day."

"Ah, yes well. I wanted to talk to you about Mrs. Hughes."

"Oh? What about her?"

"Please, sit. As you know she's leaving in just a few weeks."

"It's sad, isn't it?" She sighed, starting to think he wanted to plan some kind of surprise for her.

"I know. It- it won't be the same without her." He said, pausing in a way that led Mrs. Patmore to believe he had more affection for their friend than what met the eye. "There is no easy way to say this but we thought that someone should know, preferably you…."

Perplexed, Beryl raised an eyebrow. "Well?"

"Mrs. Patmore do you ever feel you've gone the wrong way?"

"The wrong way?"

"Do you ever wish you'd had a husband, children…. Perhaps owned a bakery or worked in a shop?"

She was taken aback by the question, and hadn't thought much about it in years. "Y-yes I suppose." She laughed sadly.

"Mrs. Hughes feels that way… and so do I." He said pointedly, growing uncomfortable. "And so…we've decided to have a child together."

"What?!" She was shocked. "Adoption? Mr. Carson I don't think they'll let an unmarried couple..."

"No, no." He said, averting his eyes from her gaze. "Not adoption, Mrs. Patmore, Mrs. Hughes and I are trying to have our own natural child."

Mrs. Patmore stopped, her eyes growing wide as saucers as she realized the fullness of what he was saying.

"Oh!" She said uncomfortably, crying out in surprise. "But you're not…"

"No we are unwed…quite unwed." He said, biting his lip. In an instant she could tell he was upset.

"B-but…."

He sighed. "She wants to be a mother and I… I couldn't say no to her." He laughed. "She'd make… she'd make a wonderful mother."

Something in Beryl's heart broke at his words, wondering why he didn't propose: she'd always counted on the fact that he was that sort of man. The idea that she hadn't offered to marry her friend unsettled her.

"The plan is for her to have the baby in Scotland and raise him there. I'll be there as often as I can…. We plan to love the child, very much." He said, smiling at the thought. "The point is; Mrs. Hughes isn't in Ripon for the day, she's upstairs, in a tucked away guest room, resting."

"S-she's with child then?" Beryl inquired shakily.

"No, not yet. I just thought that she needed the rest and the space."

"It's such, such a private thing, why tell me?"

"I figured you'd find out one day anyway and thought it better you know than be surprised by meeting the child and finding that it's mine."

She paused, nodding in understanding.

"Beyond that we thought that you would make a wonderful godmother…. That is if you're not opposed."

"No, no. Not at all."

…

But Beryl was uneasy and snuck up to the secluded room Mr. Carson had described to bring her friend lunch. She wished he wouldn't have told her, it made her uneasy to think of the two of them there: night after night, doing things she wouldn't even dare to think of. The whole thing was painfully awkward and moreover, she couldn't believe they would make this decision, that they would purposefully choose to conceive a child in sin, and not give it a proper family. She went to Elsie's bed, with compassion in her heart, and skepticism on the tip of her tongue. Part of her understood, and part of her wished to make her friend see the light.

"Charlie come in!" Elsie called when she heard the knock on the door.

Beryl cringed, surprised to hear her friend utter the name Charlie so cheerily. She closed her eyes, thinking she might not find Elsie totally clothed and went in the room.

"Mrs. Patmore!" Elsie cried in surprise. "Oh no, he told you!"

"Yes he told me! What in heaven's name are you thinking?!'

"Beryl please understand." She said, taking the tray from her friend.

She sighed. "I do undersand. I understand you're leaving and don't want to. I understand the longing for a little one."

"Oh but Beryl I long for a child of my own."

"Do you think this is the way to go about it?" She inquired nervously, watching now as Elsie sat the tray on the bed. The cook couldn't help but note that the sheets were disheveled, the bed well slept in in a way she wasn't used to seeing. "Do you really want to end up a poor, unwed mother Elsie?" She asked, her eyes pooling with tears, showing she was truly afraid for her friend. "With little way to feed and clothe the poor wee babe, the babe without a name."

"The only joy I'll have is my babe Mrs. Patmore. And I want him, I want him desperately."

"And you asked Mr. Carson?"

She nodded quickly. "I knew he'd also wished he'd gone another way."

Beryl paused, noting the two had used the same phrasing.

"I love him, Mrs. Patmore." She admitted.

The cook looked up in shock at her friend's words.

"I love him and he doesn't know. And I think this… sharing a baby with him… is the only way I'll ever be able to tell him."


	4. Questions

Ch 4- Questions

"This is a wonderful surprise." She smiled.

Carson came up late, dinner for two on a tray.

"I hope you got a lot of rest, Mrs. Hughes."

"I did. I got rather a lot of reading in... and snacking, and napping. I can't say I've had a day like that in years." She wasn't sure she'd ever had a day like that.

"Good. It's what I wanted to hear." He smiled, turning to build the fire again.

"You told Mrs. Patmore." She said, clinging to the bedpost.

"Y-yes. I trust she came to see you?"

"She did."

"And she doesn't' think we're doing the right thing."

"In a manner of speaking, no." She said as he sat on the edge of the bed beside her. "I know there's no baby yet... but I think we should talk about some baby things." She swallowed nervously.

He stared back afraid for a moment, wondering if Beryl had convinced her to change her mind. Change of Elsie's heart would break his: he found himself looking forward to nothing else but his time with her and he already found he loved a child who did not exist.

"Such as?" He asked carefully. His heart pounded, feeling her slip away, his child being dragged away.

"What its name will be, for one."

"Oh!" He laughed, smiling at the thought. He sighed with relief, pleased that she was discussing names, it met that Beryl had not succeeded in dissuading her. "I'm glad I get to help decide that."

"Yes, of course you do Charlie. And how you want him raised."

"Well, how do you want him raised?" He asked.

Elsie couldn't stop herself from smiling back at him. As a young girl, she'd longed for a husband who saw her as having a mind, who cared how she wanted the dinner served, or the child raised.

"I should think, Mrs. Hughes." He whispered, undoing the top two buttons of her nightgown. The move surprised Elsie and caused her heart to start racing in anticipation. "That we would raise him much the same way anyhow."

She bit her lip nuzzling him before leaning in to kiss him, the warm glow of the fire reflected on their faces. Elsie smiled into the kiss, enjoying the soon to be missed feeling of him there with her. She relished the kisses, tilting her head as she initiated them. He laughed into her mouth, a jolly, joyful laugh she'd only just grown used to hearing from him, and laid her down on the bed, climbing on top of her.

"I missed you so much today." He offered when he pulled away.

She smiled up at him, running her fingers through his hair.

"Me too Charlie." She found herself brave enough to say, her heart skipping a beat. She inhaled sharply as he went back to the work of kissing her, his lips trailing down her chin and to her slightly exposed cleavage. He pulled away again when he realized she was crying.

"Elsie! What's wrong? I didn't hurt you did..."

"No, no my Mr. Carson, you could never hurt me."

"Please, please tell me what it is."

"I don't... I don't want to leave..." She bit her lip, trying to muster up the courage to tell him. "I don't want to leave you." She managed.

"Oh Elsie. I don't want you to leave me. Today was a little taste of it. And although our mummy to be needed the rest... I couldn't stand not having her by my side. It shall be very hard for me Mrs. Hughes." He swallowed hard.

Both of them paused, 'I love you' pulsating on the tips of their tongues. Nothing more was said and instead of words more kisses were exchanged before they retreated under the covers.

...

He held her close, rubbing her arm with his forefinger as she rested her head on his shoulder. Neither of them said a word, everything that needed saying had been done in the act, or was simply known in the stillness of night its self.

"What do I say when he asks why you're not living with us?" She asked suddenly.

Carson paused, hurt by the question. Part of him wanted to get off the bed and walk away, telling her: 'I'm sorry Mrs. Hughes, I can't go through with it after all.' Instead he forced himself to speak.

"You will tell him that his Daddy loves him very much and misses him too. And once a week you'll open and read a letter from me and once a month you'll open the door and there I'll be waiting to pull my lad or my lass into my arms and spend two or three days by her side. I know that two days isn't a lot but it's the best I can do."

"How could you even manage two days?" She was skeptical and unsure of how they were even managing the escape they were pulling off.

"I will. Leave it to me."

Elsie paused for a moment, not telling him that two days was still more than the time her own father had spent with her per month.

"Are you really looking forward to it, Mr. Carson, being a father?"

"Oh very much."

He wanted the child, but moreover he wanted with her. He'd known for a long time he loved her, he'd even considered their potential child once or twice before she'd asked to make it a reality. But when she had, he'd taken it to heart. If he couldn't have her by his side everyday, or better in his arms forever, having a person walk the earth, created out of their flesh and blood, was a the best way he could think of to ensure that he'd always be with her.

Elsie swallowed nervously when she prepared to ask the next question.

"What will the child say when he's asked where his father is?"

"By whom?"

"Well at school, his teacher, other boys and girls?"

"He will say his Daddy works in Yorkshire and doesn't get to come home often. And when Daddy is around he'll make a point of showing off that he exists."

"Charlie..." She hesitated she couldn't live a rouse of people believing she was Mrs. Carson, or worse, knowing she was not.

"Hmmm now that's an idea."

"What?"

"Well, what if I moved you closer by?"

"Oh no Charlie I..."

"That way you could see Beryl and I could see my baby... and his mum. And that way you won't have to leave, not really."

He swallowed his tears and she snuggled further into his bare chest, saying nothing and just indulging in his warmth. He lay there silent save the beating of his heart wanting to ask if she knew he loved her.

"Charlie... suppose something's wrong with one of us. Suppose I'm... too old after all and all of this has been for not."

"Elsie!" He chastised. "First I'll have you know you're not too _**old**_!" He seemed offended by the idea that she could be. He saw her as beautiful, younger than she was and most certainly more fertile than she ought to be. "Secondly Mrs. Hughes." He seemed to scold. "You are going to have this baby. And finally, no matter what happens, there is no universe in which all of this could've been for not."

She smiled, her eyes glistening with tears when he said this, her heart full of love. There the words were again, on the tip of his tongue. His mind raced. It met too much to him. He urged himself to say it, 'I love you, be my wife.' But found himself too tongue-tied to say it. 'Damn it man, say it!' He thought to himself.

Elsie said nothing further on the matter, deciding to feign illness and take another day off from work. Tomorrow she would go and find a doctor several towns over, or maybe even closer to London. She would go in secret and find out for sure if it were even possible for her to have a baby.

"Charlie, what about the last name?"

"What do you mean? Of course it's Carson!" He seemed offended by the suggestion that his child might be called anything else.


	5. You May Not Know It But

Ch 5- You May Not Know It But...

The three weeks went quickly by and after a while the two stopped spending every single night together, a move first initiated by Elsie. Carson found himself feeling heartbroken, deserted and most of all, angry in the wake of her decision to stop sleeping with him. It was obvious to the downstairs staff that he was experiencing a litany of extreme emotion during this time but no one save Elsie and Beryl knew why. Mrs. Patmore felt both humored and uncomfortable knowing the reason for his anger and Elsie just felt hurt too. She hadn't distanced herself because of any change of feeling for him quite the opposite in fact. She loved him too much now; more than before they'd started and had made the decision to stop having sex so they could break apart more easily when the time came for her to leave.

Once the sexual part of the torrid affair came to a rapid close, both Charlie and Elsie realized how risqué it had really been. Both were blown away but neither found themselves ashamed. The affair left Carson crushed but more in love than ever, and it made Elsie somehow proud but wanting more than ever to stay.

Carson found he couldn't sleep now that she wasn't in his arms. He lay awake, cold and lonely in his bed without her, coming to the realization that he only felt whole with her at his side. Elsie felt the same without him in her bed and wondered how she would manage on her own in Scotland with him so far away.

'You've got to say it to her, you've got to ask.' He told himself, staring straight up at the ceiling. The clock ticked slowly, seeming to mark the nano-seconds as they ticked by.

On the other side of the servant's quarter's Elsie lay awake, tears flowing down her cheeks, thinking about how cruel fate was. Tomorrow night would be the last night in her room. Her bags were all packed and she wanted nothing of it. Even without Charlie at her side, this was home. She would've been all right with moving, as long as it were into a cottage or even a small room with him. Her separation from him had given her time to realize that for a long time, even longer than she'd realized, he'd been her everything.

Much of what she did in her work was about supporting him, or gently changing his mind to ensure he came to the right decisions about things, it was perfect as if she were his wife already and once the idea touched her heart it crushed her. Elsie got up and lit a candle, deciding to pen a letter.

Carson lay in his room thinking of something a little more primal: the warmth of skin on skin, the feel of her touch of her breath and depth, the sense of her curves under his hands, the view of them out of the corners of his eyes and finally the fire in her own.

...

Elsie's last day of work was painful for most and awkward for just two. He'd gone to her days before and asked if she still wanted him to see her in Scotland and she'd eagerly accepted, kissing his cheek before rushing away. The encounter assured him of her feelings, but disappointed him at the same time. What if she really didn't want him anymore? How would he live? And moreover, why weren't they still trying for their much-wanted baby? For a short while, Carson had thought Elsie a woman of low moral fiber after all. Wasn't she willing to commit to him? Did she have any love left for him? Had she ever? The normally stalwart man was uncertain and it showed.

"She's hurt." Mrs. Patmore said quietly after Elsie's going away party.

The two of them were alone in the kitchen. Everyone else had dispersed and Lord and Lady Grantham had taken Elsie upstairs to give her a goodbye present. Elsie was surprised to find the family did not want her to go either, and would offer her employment at Downton anytime she wanted to return.

"What?" Carson asked.

Mrs. Patmore gave a frustrated sigh, almost rolling her eyes as she turned to face him. "She's distanced because she doesn't want to leave you."

"Y-you think that's what it is?"

"Yes. She's crushed." She didn't know how he didn't see it. "Did you get her a going away present?"

"Yes, yes I did."

...

"Come in." Elsie called when someone knocked on her sitting room door.

It was late and she was still packing, wiping tears from her cheeks that wouldn't stop coming.

"Hello." He said quietly.

She turned and jumped at the sound of his voice.

"I hope I'm not disturbing you." He said sincerely, his tone almost making him feel like they'd never done all the things they'd done together.

The pair stood quietly for a moment, the tension between them odd. It was as if they were back to their former selves, as if they'd not made love or fallen in love. At the same time, the physical draw and tension were still there and each felt open to the other, as if anything might be poised to happen: one of them just had to jump.

"May I take you to the train in the morning?" He asked.

"Yes." She said quietly.

She was shaking inside, staring back at him as if it were some kind of moment of truth. There was so much that needed to be said and revealed and neither of them felt capable of saying it.

'Say what you feel.' She said to herself.

'Ask her what you most want to ask her, you'll regret it the rest of your days it you don't!' Something warned.

He watched her, noting tears stream down her cheeks but didn't bother to soothe her. Instead he moved in toward her and took her arms in his hands pulling her close.

"I want you." He said drawing so close he practically spoke into her mouth. Her breath became heavy as he pulled her in and kissed her. She tilted her head, kissing back trying to meet. Even beat every caress his lips made against hers.

She could feel his hands travel up her backside and begin to bunch her skirt when she pulled away. He was surprised and a little hurt by her hesitation, wondering if Mrs. Patmore was wrong and she really didn't want him anymore.

"No, no not this way." She said. "Take me upstairs, take me upstairs Charlie."

In an instant he moved in and grabbed her face, seizing her lips and pulling her into his arms.

"Oh Elsie, my Elsie." He whispered.

Elsie found he wouldn't let her out of his grasp as they made their way upstairs. They watched to ensure they were alone but found themselves in the middle of a lip-lock for most of their journey up to the room where they'd created a new life together. She almost couldn't breathe when he opened the door, his lips so heavy on hers that she felt completely overwhelmed.

"Charlie." She whispered, already crying out his name as she dug her nails into the back of his jacket.

He locked the door, sensing how eager she already was and without hesitation, pushed her onto the bed. She crawled away from him, enticed by his somewhat relentless pursuit, one somewhat uncharacteristic of Charlie in this part of the house. Usually, there was even-handedness to the way he dealt with her here: a balance between control, his desire and his deep respect for her. But now all that gentleness had gone out the window and he seemed to be only in pursuit of what he felt was already his.

Soon his breath was on hers once again and so were the words 'I love you.' He meant to say them, he wanted to, with everything in him. He felt helpless as their clothes started to come off, as if time were slipping away far too quickly. His most ardent desire was to claim her, not in the pursuit of her flesh but in the whole of her being: for her to belong to him forever and he to her.

"Charlie." She called out dully, clinging to him as their bodies began a now familiar ritual.

He found himself at a loss for words, heart breaking in two, his body consumed with passion. What he could not bare to say in words he cried out with his body and very being and he felt her cling to him in desperation, in a way she never had before as if she never wanted to let him go. She didn't know how much time had passed before they started to drift off.

"I shall miss you." He said, holding her tight to his chest. "This has come far too soon for my tastes. I won't know what to do without you."

"Charlie I...I don't want to go." She whispered, her tears spilling onto his chest.

He reached down and raised her chin to meet his gaze. "Wherever you go, I will go too. I may not be there beside you; but you and I will always be together. You're in my heart Elsie, you have it and it's yours to keep."

Her heart skipped a beat and she swallowed hard. In some way the omission was more precious to her than a simple 'I love you' you could love a lot of people and still not have their heart.

"You don't have my heart Charlie Carson." She said, closing her eyes and snuggling into his arms.

"Oh..." He paused, his heart slinking, breaking even.

"No my Charlie, you have all of me."

Carson said not another word and held her tighter to him, kissing her head as tears of joy streamed down his cheeks. She fell asleep quickly, the safe, strong arms of the man she loved, knowing it'd be the only sleep she'd have for a long time and he remained awake the whole of the night, relishing the feel of her, naked in his arms, of her presence with him, knowing it was possibly the last time he'd have any peace.

...

The journey to the train station couldn't have been any worse for Elsie, Carson or Mrs. Patmore. The ride was slow and painful and as they made their way there each of them resisted the temptation, at least twice, to stop the procession all together. For Elsie, these were the people she loved most in the world: her best friend and the love of her life. She didn't want to leave them for anything and searched desperately for a choice in the matter.

'Why couldn't we see my Charlie?' she wanted to ask as she stared back painfully in his direction. 'Why couldn't we see any sooner? So I could be yours forever?'

She hugged Carson and Mrs. Patmore goodbye before boarding the train her heart sinking when he didn't kiss her.

'You're unwed and in public, of course he didn't kiss you.' She told herself. 'Men don't kiss women they don't love in front of the whole world.'

She found her seat near a window and opened, it hoping they were still there as they'd promised they would be. It was here that Elsie planned to give Charlie her letter and parting gift and he hers. Carson approached her open window and reached for her hand, tears in his eyes. She took it and squeezed it and he handed her a small box.

"I'll see you as soon as I can." He promised, taking the letter she offered him. Mrs. Patmore stood behind him drying her own tears. "I promise."

Elsie squeezed his hand, not wanting to let go as the train started to move. It couldn't be, it was still too soon.

"I'll miss you." She started to cry again. "My Charlie I'll miss you so very much."

He said nothing more squeezing her hand as the train moved again and he with it, not letting go. She leaned down and he reached up as high as he could, pressing his lips eagerly into hers and kissing her as deeply as he could: right there in front of everyone.

"I love you Elsie. I'm in love with you!" He cried out finally as the train lurched forward a third time, in preparation to really pick up speed.

Elsie's tear-filled eyes lit up at his admission, squeezing his hand back and wanting nothing more than to jump into his arms and kiss him. Her heart leapt with joy, her hand still in his even as the train was about to speed away.

"Oh! Oh I love you too, so much, _daddy_." She whispered.

"D-daddy?"

She nodded eagerly, her tears flowing faster. She blew a simple kiss, mouthing 'I love you' once again as the train sped off.

Carson quickly opened the letter she'd left, practically tearing the envelope. Mrs. Patmore looked on eagerly, Elsie's voice filling his head as he read.

" _My Dearest Mr. Carson,_

 _Please come to Scotland in August for the birth of your son or daughter."_

Charlie felt his heart quicken at the sentence and Beryl jump in excitement behind him, clapping her hands. He continued reading.

" _Please know that wherever I am, I am in love with you and have a piece of you with me. I'll write soon._

 _All the love I have to give,_

 _Elsie"_

Carson thought he was going to faint and could barely stand now. "S-she loves me and she's going to have my baby...!" He said in wonderment.

"I'm going to be an Auntie!" Beryl burst excitedly.


	6. A World Away

Ch 6- A World Away

"What are you doing?" Carson asked, raising an eyebrow as Beryl came into his pantry and put down a plate of sweets before him.

It was late and she'd watched him carefully all day as he hummed softly, making his way around the house with an extra spring in his step. Thomas had jokingly suggested that he must've been glad to rid himself of Mrs. Hughes but of course, Beryl knew the real source of his joy.

"I'm trying to feed you. You barely ate and _fathers to be need their strength_." She whispered that last part, wiping her hands on her apron.

"I'm so happy I can't even see a way to eating much… I know that's usually sadness that does that Mrs. Patmore but," he laughed, looking back up at her speechless.

"Still you need your strength."

He laughed again. "I appreciate your concern Mrs. Patmore… I shall try to eat but my strength's not so important, it's not as though I'm the one carrying the babe."

"Oh no…"

"WHAT?" He asked, his eyes flashing with panic.

"It's just that…"

"Yes?"

She sighed. "Suppose Mrs. Hughes doesn't get enough to eat, has no one caring for her and as a result…"

"It's alright Mrs. Patmore, I assure you. Mrs. Hughes is a strong, sensible woman, she'll take good care of herself and if she finds she cannot, she knows exactly when to ask me to step in and begin providing more for her and the child."

"I see." Beryl said quietly, biting her lip.

"Something the matter?"

"It's just…it's a little forward of me but… do you think you, well do you think you could ever see your way to marrying Mrs. Hughes?" She asked nervously.

He smiled bittersweetly; taking the letter she'd given him that morning in hand. "I shall keep this with me at all times. When I serve, when I've my day off, when I'm fast asleep…" He said, folding it up and putting it in his pocket. "Do you recall what it says?"

Beryl watched him, his eyes sparkling at his mention of Elsie and her letter and within a moment or two she thought she saw tears spilling from his eyes.

"It says she's _in love_ with me as I am with her. What could be better than that?"

"Well she is having your baby…"

"She is having my baby. Oh Mrs. Patmore if I thought she'd accept, I'd ask her in a heartbeat, a million heartbeats ago and if she's asking…"

"No, no she's not." She said sadly, wiping her hands on her apron.

"Well then if it's just you asking then yes, yes I'd love to marry her. More than anything in the world."

Mrs. Patmore found she had a headache when she left the pantry, not knowing how she was supposed to help engineer a happy marriage between two people who loved each other so much, but were both soundly committed to the idea that the other didn't share their feelings.

When she left him, Charlie pulled out a pen and a piece of paper and set to work writing something out, quickly realizing he was at a loss for words. He'd been anxiously waiting to write Elsie back all day, but realized he hadn't thought much about what to say. He'd been in a daze, the happiest daze he could've ever hoped to find himself and after many hours, realized he was nearly delusional with joy. _His_ Elsie, _his_ baby. He paused, hesitating for a moment before finally putting pen to paper.

' _My Dear Elsie, how I love you.'_ He began. _'I only wish I'd said it well before now. That the joy that dwell within me now, and always did when I looked in your eyes, would've long ago urged me to sweep you off your feet. I could never convey the depth of my feeling for you and give it justice, but you should know the kind of special place you hold in the depth of my heart and the meaning you have in my life. You could never know how it felt to hear that you loved me too. My every joy depends on you and the babe, Elsie. I can't wait till August and will take leave to be with you and our child as soon as I can manage. All the love I could ever give, Charlie.'_

…..

Elsie sat knitting, her nerves spiking as the train drew closer to its stop. She held back tears, the blanket she was making draping over her lap, covering the place the child would within a few month's time. She smiled bittersweetly at thought: _his baby_. It'd only been a few hours since she'd seen Charlie and already the longing for him was so overwhelmingly strong. It had been weeks since she'd spent even this much time apart from him and the feeling was strange, almost unbearable. She closed her eyes, tears rolling down her cheeks and then onto the blanket below. Sniffling, she reached up to wipe away her tears, shakily noting her empty ring finger. Elsie froze for a moment.

"Oh dear lord, what have I done?" She asked aloud, covering her mouth with her hands.

During the ride, Elsie's thoughts started to drift toward her ailing mother and whether or not she should tell her, her news. While she was growing afraid of where she'd gotten herself to, she was still committed to her decision to have this child and spend the rest of her life being its mother, Charlie or not. It was a progressive, unconventional thing, but she'd never been a conventional woman who fit her time.

She knew her mother would never approve and over the long journey home, weighed the possible consequences of telling her about her only grandchild. Elsie figured she could let her die not knowing the truth of what was to come. That was the easiest way out. She wasn't going to live even long enough for her to start showing much. But Elsie was torn. Her mother had wanted grandchildren desperately, and had been saddened by her unwedded state for just that reason. Hope of a new, much wanted grandchild could be the ultimate solace on her deathbed: the knowledge that she'd be getting something she'd desired so much (even if she never saw it, something that could be heartbreaking for the elder Mrs. Hughes in of its self), and that Elsie wouldn't be alone her whole life.

At the same time, Elsie considered that such news might break her mother's heart. She was unmarried and pregnant by a man who lived a world away. Elsie knew that it would break her heart if her own daughter came to her in thirty year's time with that same news. Moreover, the elder Mrs. Hughes wasn't likely to believe Charlie and that he would keep his word to her and honor the baby they'd made.

"Well my wee one, I suppose we've gotten ourselves into a predicament." She whispered. Elsie sighed. "Well what could she do?" She spoke of her mother under her breath.

Elsie was going home because _she_ was needed. Her mother wasn't exactly in the position to throw her out of the house regardless of her news was she? And even if she did, Elsie would be more than glad to return to Downton and to her Charlie. Still, she didn't want to hurt her mother; leaving all those years before had been tied to finance and a need for a different life, not lack of love. She didn't want her to think ill of her, but to understand this desire she'd needed fulfilled.

Elsie's mother was a farmer's wife and had not been married long enough to want for children when she'd had her first. Elsie had wanted hers for so long. She'd known for days now and was so mystified by its presence within her that she hadn't stopped to think much about whether or not it would be a boy or a girl or anything like that. She didn't care so long as it was real and it came in August.

What she did know was that somehow her baby made her feel safe, loved and not at all alone on the loneliest of journeys. Perhaps that's why she'd wanted it so much: she hadn't wanted to return to Scotland alone with nothing to show for her years of work other than a little bit of money saved, and the self-evidence that she wasn't that farm girl anymore.

"I don't want you to be that farm girl or boy." She whispered impossibly quietly, tears forming in her eyes.

Many years had passed before Elsie had realized how fundamentally she'd changed, but once she did she'd considered that leaving for service had been her saving grace. She, in the fullness of her truest self, had never been a farm girl at all.

Elsie felt her heart sink, knowing that the life of a farm girl was no place for a daughter who inherited her spirit, and that life as a farmer was certainly no occupation for Charlie's son. In fact, she couldn't think of anything more out of place.

Charlie was a proper man, and a country-dweller but could never be a farmer.

Elsie had spent a long time before now, thinking of her children with Mr. Carson. She knew without question that they'd be exceptionally special: smart, skilled, proper like him, and forward thinking like her. Whoever this child was… it would probably demand something greater than she could give.

She swallowed hard as the train reached the Scottish boarder. She was patriotic, still after all those years and so it was odd to think that it pained her so much to leave England. She was in love with an English man. It was his home and something felt somehow wrong in it not being her child's home and birthplace too. Elsie sniffled, continuing her knitting as homesickness for Downton began to set in.

It wasn't until she reached for her handkerchief that something caught her eye: it was the little box that Charlie had given her that morning. She paused, just staring at it, not knowing if she wanted to open it, or just relish it knowing she had something from Charlie too look forward to. She looked down at her middle, recalling she had a precious gift waiting inside. Elsie paused a moment longer before grabbing the box. Part of her felt a bit hasty, in her heart she wanted to relish it, but she was also eager to see what it was.

Elsie was shocked to find that the wrapped package had been a box from a jeweler. Her heart began to thud in fearful anticipation: loud but slow, drowning out all other sound as she lifted the lid and tore open several layers of tissue paper. She gasped quietly, finding a ring on a string inside. It was just perfect for her to wear over her heart. She picked up a little piece of paper she found inside and eagerly began to read. It simply said:

' _I'm ready whenever you are.'_

"Oh!" She gasped, holding the ring close to her heart, touched at the realization that he'd bought it without knowing about the baby. It wasn't exactly a proper proposal, but she would accept nonetheless. "Oh Charlie." She whispered.

So he did love her after all? Just for her. He did want to spend his life with her. He wouldn't be ashamed to have her as his wife. The whole thing washed over her as a relief and the greatest of joys. She was the happiest woman in the world for just a moment, until she realized that she was on a train, traveling further away from him by the second, her destination a whole world away. It was then she started to sob.

"Oh Charlie." She cried, whispering just below her breath. "Oh Charlie, come and save me."


	7. Be Brave, Part I

Ch 6- Be Brave, Part I

Elsie could only think of Charlie and his baby as the train sped ever steadfastly toward Argyll and her new life. After receiving the ring her worry faded to awe. She slipped it onto her finger and just stared, finding that it made her feel washed anew, like she was someone she'd always wanted to be.

"Elsie Carson." She whispered slowly, her tongue handling the name as if it were too precious to be considered aloud.

Elsie wondered how this would all work out. How Charlie would manage to marry her, and if she might bend the truth a bit and pretend that she was already Mrs. Carson. Part of her found it dishonest, another part thought it right and fair. He'd already taken her as his wife after all… well, in a biblical sense anyway. She sniffled, tears of joy sliding down her cheeks at the thought that her deepest desire was coming true. She only wished he were there to slide the ring on to her finger, to ask her, his breath on hers, to be his. One day, before they finally made it official, she'd ask him to say the words. Until then, thought of the words he'd written: _I'm ready when you are_ , would carry her through. It wasn't the most loving or romantic thing he could've said, but it reassured her, making her wonder if he was as eager as she.

Then there was the baby. Elsie would've been excited about the child no matter what happened between her and Charlie, after all, that had originally been the point. But now that they were going to be wed she had to admit that she was reveling in the idea of a whole family of her own. She'd long ago given up the idea of her much-wanted husband and baby. For years they'd existed only in the depths of her fantasies. It was there that they lived just a short walk from Downton Abbey in a little cottage with a picket fence, with their three little lads (Charlie, William and James) and much younger baby daughter (who had been a surprise for her parents). Elsie wondered if she might choose to use the name of one of her imaginary children, but then abandoned the thought, quickly deciding that a name they chose together would be much better suited to such a treasured, wanted babe.

Elsie placed her hand over her still flat middle and pressed into her stomach gently, hoping to feel anything there but the child was still much too small. She closed her eyes, tears streaming down her cheeks, totally overwhelmed that she wouldn't have to forego her fantasy along with her life at Downton. Charlie had made a promise with his ring and his child, and somehow, she'd get to live it.

"Oh my little wee babe. Mummy loves you very much. So very much, and she will do everything she can to love and protect you all your days."

…

Elsie had no idea that Charlie harbored the same fantasies about life with her and was in equal disbelief about the fact that he was soon to be a father because of her. Soon a week's time had passed since she'd left and naturally, he'd yet to have a reply to his proposal. The idea made him nervous, especially with the unromantic way he'd gone about it, but he knew deep inside that she would never say no, especially with the baby on its way.

"Making plans?" Beryl asked, knocking on the door with her foot, a tray in her hand.

Ever since Elsie had left, Carson and Mrs. Patmore, (both lonely and missing Mrs. Hughes), had started taking evening tea together in his pantry.

"Yes. Do come in."

Despite missing Elsie so much that he ached, Carson had maintained a composure that was far jollier than his usual demeanor, something, which, frightened the majority of the staff, intrigued the family and made Beryl warm to him in a way she never had before.

"Your transforming into a proud da very quickly." She said, shutting the door with her foot.

"Well… how could I not? You've been knitting." He accused.

"It's just a gift." She shrugged. "Although I do wish I could manage a visit when you do."

"It would be too much, someone would find out."

"You know, there's no harm in the family knowing is there… if she's your wife?"

Carson sighed. "I'm unsure. I have to give it a lot more… thought. And surely, I couldn't say anything without her approval."

"But you do have a plan?" She raised an eyebrow.

"A plan?"

"To bring her and the baby home!"

"Well, yes you could say I'm trying to do my best to formulate one Mrs. Patmore. It's not life in service that's a problem, so much as that matters with her sister won't make it easy." He admitted. Beryl nodded sadly. "Mrs. Patmore." He swallowed hard. "I'm afraid she'll say no."

He paused, his heart racing, the moment feeling very poignant to him. It wasn't often he confessed his feelings, let alone his fears.

"What are you, daft?" She spat, her eyes widening when she realized that speaking to Daisy like that was one thing, but using that language with him was more than out of turn. "I' .." She said quickly.

He smiled and put his hand up, accepting the apology and starting to sip the tea she'd brought. "I can only hope you're right."

…

Home. It'd been so long since Elsie had been back here, maybe two or three years. Everything had changed for the worse in that time. Her mother had grown old and had not kept things up, the village and surrounding farms had fallen into a similar state of disrepair, and yet she was surprised to find that the word home still resonated deeply with her: in everywhere she looked, in every smile, every memory and even in the very air she breathed. In some odd way, it was a relief to her that she would be giving birth there, a kind of ultimate comfort.

Even so, she was faced with Charlie's beautiful eyes every time she closed her own and wasn't sure she'd ever felt more at home anywhere else in the whole of time. It was at that realization that she began to pray that the babe inside her would have its father's lovely eyes.

Many weeks passed quickly by and the postal service could barely keep up with the rate of Carson and Elsie's correspondence. Each wrote back to the other the moment the mail was received, each eager to devour the other's news and earnest declarations of love. Elsie thought her favorite letter was his most recent. The one where he'd made her another promise: that when they wed, he would find a way to bring her and their baby home to Downton. While she could feel in every breath that some piece of her still loved Scotland she wasn't that farm girl anymore and after a few days had passed, deeply desired to return to Downton and Charlie.

Carson treasured every bit of contact he had with Elsie, but was torn on which letter was his favorite. It had to have been either the one where she wrote back, very simply: _Yes! Yes I'll marry you… you old boobie._ Or the one where she'd told him she could feel their child start to grow and that she wished he'd been there to share it.

But that, in its self presented another problem for Elsie. The baby was growing and her mother was still alive. Elsie had been more than happy to have gotten there before it was too late and care for her mother in her final days, but was discovering it was already becoming too difficult to conceal the barely showing child. She had yet to tell her mother about the baby and was still confused as to whether or not she should even do it at all. She didn't think her mother could ever understand her position: that this Charlie was a good man who was going to marry her, or that she'd wanted to become a mother no matter what Charlie did.

She couldn't stand the thought of hurting or shocking her mother, but knew she'd never feel at peace until she told her the truth. So Elsie waited and prayed for a sign, hoping something would simply give her permission to tell her news, but no such sign materialized, and no clarity of mind on the subject came to be.

"The glow within you." Her mother finally observed one evening as Elsie stoked the fire.

Elsie froze, afraid she'd been found out but didn't turn to face her mother. The old woman lay in bed, watching her daughter knowingly, fearfully, wondering what she'd done and worse who had done it to her.

"I know that glow." She said.

Elsie turned around slowly, deciding not to deny it. She could feel Charlie's ring (kept on a string around her neck) shift under her dress and fall over her heart.

"Whatever it is, please don't keep it from me. I already know, I saw it in you from the moment you walked back into this house."

The elder Mrs. Hughes was crushed and had been for weeks, thinking that after all these years in service her daughter had been brutalized or worse. Elsie calmly sat at her bedside and tucked her in before pulling the necklace out of the top of her collar. She smiled, holding it in her hand. The elder Mrs. Hughes noticed immediately that it was not a simple band, but a ring complete with a diamond. It was modest by modern standards, but entirely lovely, and far grander than anything anyone in their rural farm community had ever hoped to see let alone receive. The elder Mrs. Hughes was stunned, unsure if the selection made her feel more alive than ever before or if the shock was hastening on the end her time on the earth. Who was this man who could give her daughter such a ring?

Elsie smiled, not knowing how to begin, relieved that she'd get to tell her mother the best news she'd ever received. "His name is Charlie Carson." She said quietly. Mrs. Hughes said nothing, noting the joy that emanated from her daughter's face, just in the thought of this Mr. Carson.

"He is the butler at Downton Abbey, the man who gave me this ring… and the father of my baby." Elsie was relieved. She couldn't say how good it felt to say it, almost like a confession.

The elder Mrs. Hughes was stunned. A million questions swam through her mind. First of all, how could she have done this? She hadn't raised a daughter who would so willingly give her virtue to a man who'd not married her. And second, how would she survive, unwed, out here all alone with her sister and a babe she couldn't support. The idea terrified her.

"How did this happen?" She brought herself to ask, trying to check her displeasure with this news.

Elsie paused, unsure what she should say. Something inside sought to defend Charlie and his honor in that moment and she almost found herself angry with the idea that she could view him as anything but simply wonderful.

"For a long time." She began, deciding to start with the truth. "For a long time, I wished I'd gone another way: had a husband and wee ones. And for a long time, I'd liked Mr. Carson: very much. Very, very much. But none of that is allowed in service."

"As it shouldn't be."

"A few months ago I asked him if he wished he'd gone another way. It's been something that's been on my heart. The night I found out I needed to come to you as soon as I could, well… I asked him to go another way with me."

"YOU asked him?" She was surprised.

"And he accepted."

"Of course he accepted my girl, he just wanted to have his way with you!" She warned. "And now you're ruined!"

Elsie paused, her mother's anger giving her a headache. The older woman was right. She was surely 'ruined.' But then again, that had been the whole idea. Elsie thought back to all the blissful nights she'd spent in bed with Charlie and wanted to weep, not out of shame, but because the mere thought made her miss him so much.

"Well mam that was the general idea at first, to ruin me so that I might be with child. And that idea was all mine." Elsie admitted, the look on her mother's face making her feel like a naughty child.

"What?! Why would you do such a thing? I didn't raise you to... "

"I wanted a babe, so much more than my honor mam. Who here would ever know the difference anyway? He'd always wanted to be a da… The idea was for us to go another way, in a way that would be allowed. For me to have my babe, to not be alone here, and for him to be a father on terms that would be allowed."

"That's disgraceful."

"Yes. But we both love the babe that much, that we don't care how disgraceful it was: and then it turned out he'd been as…" Elsie laughed. "Infatuated with me as I'd been with him."

"He _is_ a man." She pointed out.

"Mama he is the most proper of men. And handsome of men. And loving of men. And faithful of men." She almost swooned. "I assure you. He was offended when I asked, but then caught my arm as I turned to leave and said yes. I know you're worried about me, but don't be. He and I are apart but we're together. He loves me you see. He's a wonderful man. He writes every few days. He's going to be a wonderful father and he'll be here when it's born and as often as he can be." Elsie reassured, her mother still didn't say anything.

"I didn't go into this looking for a marriage proposal. I went in wanting to be a mother, the kind you were for me."

The elder Mrs. Hughes smiled faintly for the first time since her daughter confessed, glad that if anything, her daughter thought she'd been a good mother: she didn't feel like one right then.

"I went in, wanting a piece of a man I loved to keep with me and I've come away with so much more than that: with a man who wants to support me and love me the rest of my days. And mam after all this time … I'm going to have a wee babe of my own, can you believe that?"

"She's held you back." She reflected.

"Hmm?" Elsie questioned.

"Becky." She whispered.

"Oh…" Elsie paused, believing this was true but not wanting to say it. "I wouldn't say that."

"She has and I'm sorry."

"Mama. Mama I know you feel you've done something wrong, that I might go and do this to myself. But it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm in love with my babe and my Mr. Carson. Whether Becky's held me back or not, she's my sister and I love her and I'm right where I'm supposed to be."

The elder Mrs. Hughes took her daughter's hand and squeezed it tight, taking in a shallow breath.

"I just worry…"

"I know but you don't need to. I will be cared for and so will Becky."

Elsie paused when her mother reached out and rested her palm against her middle, just holding it there as if to feel for something she could not. She did not realize her mother was praying.

"We'll be alright." She promised, tears in her eyes.

"You have my blessing: you and your Mr. Carson… and grandbaby."

Elsie smiled brightly, almost squealing as she leaned down to kiss her mother's forehead. The future Mrs. Carson paused, realizing that her mother's breath had become slower. 'No, not today.' She thought.

"I love you." She choked. "And Becky and baby too… and I hope this Mr. Carson is as good of a man as you say."

Elsie started to cry, knowing what was happening. "Oh mama how I love you." She held the old woman's hand tight, kissing her again.

The elder Mrs. Hughes raised her hand, cupping her daughter's cheek in her hand, wiping away the tears. "You've always made me proud lass."

"You've always shown me the meaning of love."

And so it went on like that through the night, till the last breath.

…

Downton Abbey: Three days later

Beryl dropped the pan she was holding and cried out in agony, covering her mouth as she wailed, causing Daisy and Miss O'Brien to look up at her with wide, horrified eyes.

"What?!" Daisy cried.

Beryl wailed, beginning to cry as she clutched the letter. She didn't answer and without hesitation, made her way upstairs to where Carson was serving in the dining room. She didn't care how it looked, or sounded, or even how she'd be received. She was too overcome with worry and guilt and so many other things, namely the idea that she'd have to tell him. Mrs. Patmore burst through the dining room doors, catching Carson's eye so quickly that he didn't even protest before going to her and escorting her out into the hall.

"What's the meaning of this?" He asked, seeing her upset. He was trying not to be angry and at once, worried about how upset she was.

His heart began to pound, noting her tears and the letter in her hand. He moved to take it from her, noting her hands were still soaked in dishwater, but she yanked it back.

"What is it?" He swallowed hard, his mind insisting that it had nothing to do with Elsie. "What's wrong?"

Mrs. Patmore paused, her eyes welling with tears as she looked up into his frightened brown orbs. How could she tell him such a thing? How was it even real? She let out a choked sob as she moved to speak, extending the letter to him finally, her heart quickening.

"It's the baby."


	8. Be Brave, Part II

Ch 8- Be Brave, Part II

 _"Ahhh." The pinheaded figure whimpered, cowering in the dark and covering her head as protectively as she could._

 _She was barely able to shriek or even cry out as another bone crushing blow met her already aging, brittle bones. In that instant she started to scream, pleading in vain for a life that had not been lived, for forgiveness for a thing she had not done._

 _Another blow. And with it, a high pitch sound overtook her mind, numbing it from within. It engulfed her as it first grew louder then sharper and finally, became absolutely piercing, forcing her off her knees and onto her face, begging for mercy: for the sound to just go back into the dark hell from which it came._

" _Auuuhgh!" She cried out when her face hit the cement floor._

 _The sound broke suddenly in that moment, and it's tail end, became discernable not as a sharp kind of ringing but as an infant's desperate sobbing, as pleading for a life not yet lived._

 _The figure, clad in shadow and hidden in the shade of darkness, heard a bubbling first in her ear and then a cool running all around her that within seconds became an overwhelming tidal wave that spun so fast that she lost both consciousness and breath within the snap of a finger or what felt like the snap of a neck._

 _The panicked figure continued to scream, lost in her own mind, oblivious even to her own cries._

" _What's wrong with this one?" A nurse asked of the pinheaded lady writhing on the floor._

" _She's an unfortunate soul." The nun in charge remarked. She was a perky young blond woman who seemed to have an air of sophistication about her that most would find unsettling or even odd, for a nun. "She drowned her sister's baby and sliced his ears off."_

…

"Awwwwwwaahaahahah!" Elsie screamed, sitting up straight. She stared into the black night clutching her chest, feeling as if the darkness was about to find and swallow her whole.

Elsie shivered finding herself, shaking like a leaf whipping about haphazardly on a cold winter's night. She closed her eyes, forcing herself to take several deep breaths in a vain attempt to calm her panicked psyche and allow her eyes to adjust to the almost pitch black house (something she was still not used to).

Elsie sought the refuge of sleep after her mother's death but found that her dreams were the last place on earth she might find solace. Her breath ragged, now coming only in long spurts she had to grasp desperately for, she laid her hand on her barely round little belly, happy to find it safe and still soundly there.

She'd had nightmares for days now and the doctor had told her, given her condition and recent family loss, that they ought to be par for the course. But that didn't mean she was any more used to them or worried any less about what their brutal, graphic imagery really meant. She sighed and closed her eyes again, taking a moment to relax and try to recover from the hell of her most recent dream when she felt something jab her side. She paused, moving her hand in that direction, feeling a decided _kick_ in that moment.

"Oh!" Elsie jumped in sudden surprise, marveling over feeling the baby move within her for the first time. "Oh!' She giggled, the fluttering movement within happening again very quickly. "Oh well hello my little one." She whispered.

Light and love filled her eyes as tears streamed down her cheeks. She sighed, contented for once, her smile so bright and full of warmth it was apt to make many a man fall in love, just at the sight of her. She took another deep breath, for a moment not knowing what to say to the long awaited child within her but then within another moment she found herself too in love for words.

Feeling the baby soothed the heart of the frantic mother to be, causing her to calm in a way she'd never before felt peace. Elsie giggled, biting her lip, amazed her much wanted baby was so real already; she wanted to laugh out loud and cry out in joy. In an instant, Elsie felt that she was no longer all-alone in the world, something she'd felt, perhaps for the first time ever.

"Oh my love." She whispered to the baby. Won't daddy be excited when we write to tell him you're moving? I miss your da oh so much. You'll get to see him when you're born." She said, rubbing her bump smoothly. Elsie closed her eyes and settled back into her pillow, knowing she could sleep soundly now that she felt the baby kicking away. Perhaps such lovely company would ensure better dreams. "Mummy loves you." She whispered, running her hand over her stomach, hoping that deep inside; the baby could hear her.

Several days had passed since her mother's death and things had not been easy. Elsie had been getting her mother's final affairs in order. Becky did not understand and was a frantic handful, not just because she was worried, but also because she was angry and confused. And in that time, the baby had almost blossomed. Elsie noticed the child grew exponentially after its grandmother's death. She had reached the five-month mark at the most inopportune of times. Right as she was in the midst of dealing with so many people in the village, burring her mother and trying to care for her sister, her baby was beginning to show in such a way that her condition was no longer concealable or anything close to it. Almost everyone knew now.

That morning, she'd explained the whole thing to Becky: that she was in love with a man named Charlie and that because of that, there was a baby inside her who was going to be born in a few months, and who would live with them and be part of their family. The idea had angered and confused Becky, just as their mother's death had. Elsie assumed her sister thought the child would replace their mother, or worse that their mother died because of the child.

Before too long, Elsie would deeply regret telling Becky of the baby at all. She yawned, exhausted after a hard day and eager for the sweet release of sleep even despite her newfound joy. She shut her eyes once more, holding her belly in her arms, almost hugging it as she started to drift off.

"Mama." Becky started, calling out in her sleep. "Mama! Mama!" She cried.

Elsie sighed, too tired and too weak to get out of bed. She'd been on her feet, every second of the day it seemed.

"Mama!" She cried, the sound breaking Elsie's heart.

She looked down at her belly, at the frame of her own baby nestled safety inside and willed herself to her feet, feeling a duty not to her sibling, but to Becky as someone else's sweet babe.

"Becky lass. Becky lass." Elsie reasoned, half asleep. She stuck her hand in her hair, the other remaining on her belly as she walked into Becky's room, the house nearly pitch black. "Becky lass shu, Elsie's here, Elspeth's here."

"Not mama!" She cried, lunging at Elsie, coming out of nowhere and hitting her hard in the gut.

Elsie could feel it coming and moved to stop it, but her sister's angry, almost manic outburst was not to be contended with.

"No, no baby, no Elsie, I want mama!" She cried tears streaming down her cheeks her body met Elsie's with full force.

"OOOOHHHH!" Elsie cried, feeling the baby get pressed deep inside of her when she was hit straight on in the gut a second time. "OOOHHH!" She sobbed, tears gushing from her eyes, emblematic of the raw physical pain that radiated from somewhere deep within her, causing her knees to buckle, and dropping her onto her hands and knees in the dark.

"Ohhh." Elsie moaned as her sister continued to tirade, turning her rage from her caregiver to the house itself.

Holding her belly tightly, Elsie slowly managed to get back on her feet. She stopped cold when she saw it, her heart thudding so loud in her ears that it drowned out all other noise, all other thought except the cold, pure fear that rushed over her like a raging river, the sound ceasing to be a heart beat at all when her eyes finally focused in the dark, landing on the steady river of blood that ran down her legs.

"No!" Elsie cried, shaking with fear.

Her heartbreak was so strong in just an instant that it almost put her back on her knees. She felt a rush of conflicting emotions in that moment: fear, hate, pain, sorrow, longing, desperation …

"No!" She cried out, beginning to sob. "No, no, no, no, no!" Elsie screamed so loud it caused Becky to look back at her, confused. "No not my baby! Oh my baby, my baby! Look what you've done, look what you've done to my baby! Oh God, please, please not my baby!" Elsie bawled, dropping to her knees.

Frantically, and without wanting to, she pulled up her nightgown to reveal legs drenched in blood.

"No." She continued to sob, hugging her bump soundly. "Don't leave mummy, please, please don't leave mummy." She whispered.

…

Three Days Later

Charles Carson sat impatiently, his head hung low. His heart raced within his chest, seeming to charge forward as fast as the train in which he rode. He'd jumped on the train as soon as he could, knowing there was no way he'd get to Elsie quickly enough. Downton's butler fought back tears as he looked down at the little stuffed lion in his hands, praying fervently for a miracle. He'd bought it recently as a gift for his impending child, but kept it in his desk drawer and looked at it often, as a way to keep Elsie and the baby close to him.

Carson was anxious the train couldn't go fast enough for him as it barreled toward Scotland. He was sick with worry and had been all the hours since he and Mrs. Patmore had received the letter about the baby. He didn't want to think on what could be wrong but he found that he had to. The letter had been vague. Charlie tried to comfort himself with the fact that the letter _hadn't_ said she'd lost it… but what else could it be? Carson felt tears begin to slide down his cheeks for the third time that night and looked down at the little lion in his hands, squeezing it tight.

"It will be alright." He whispered very softly so no one could hear him speaking to a stuffed toy. "Because I have someone whom you were meant for."

Carson's heart still raced and while he tried to steady himself with deep, calm breaths, he still thought he was going to have a heart attack and couldn't at all shake the feeling. It was with that thought that he knew soundly he was too old to be a father, but he still wanted so much to be a father. It was the greatest desires of his heart. His mind fought him, urging him to consider the possibility that she had miscarried, that the baby wasn't alright, that she wasn't either, but he resisted as best he could for he could not bear such ideas.

"Oh God, please not my baby, not my chance to go another way, please I love him so very much."

…...

Carson was perhaps even more frantic after the train stopped in a strange, rural Scottish town where he didn't know his way around. He arrived early in the morning, just after sunrise and began to search for anyone who might know the Hughes'.

"I do." Remarked a bearded man in a plaid jacket. He hopped off a fence post nearby, pipe in hand. He'd been waiting for the shopkeeper to finish loading up his wagon with hay and had overheard Charlie talking to a couple of other men.

"Oh you do?" Charlie asked eagerly.

The man looked him up and down, already figuring out who he was and that he wasn't really married to Elsie.

"I do and I'll take you there." He offered.

"Oh, thank you sir, I'll…"

"No need to thank me. They're my neighbor's the Hughes'. Have been for a long time, since we were this high." He said lowering his hand to the height of a very young child before reaching out to shake Charlie's. In future, Carson might not have taken this man's hand, had he known, whom he really was. "Joe Burns. Good to meet you."

…

Elsie sat in bed, holding her baby bump and staring straight ahead. Day three and still nothing. The doctor was there but she paid no mind to him or the words he spoke. He was not God; he could not save anyone, or tell her truth, all he was good for in her mind, was pronouncing death.

"Miss Hughes you really need to…"

"Elsie!" Carson burst coming into the house so quickly he had to stop himself by clutching the doorway with both of his mammoth hands.

He was relieved in an instant when he saw she was still visibly pregnant. For a moment the sight took his breath away, making him forget why he was really there. There she was, pregnant with his baby and so beautiful. The idea overwhelmed him. But in a moment, he was brought back to reality by her catatonic gaze and the pained expression in her eyes both, which, he found more than unsettling. Elsie turned toward him in an instant and started to bawl, reaching her arms out for him, and wiggling her fingers in need. He dropped his things and went to her side without hesitation, sitting on the end of the bed and taking her fully in his arms.

"Oh my Elsie, what's happened, what's happened my love?" He asked anxiously, his own fear rising within him.

He pulled her in close, kissing her temple as he allowed his hand to drift, landing on her belly, hoping to feel a little kick… but nothing. Elsie said not a word and tried to remove his hand from her middle, but found it would not budge. So instead, she rested hers on top of his and allowed her face to fall in the nape of his neck. She knew the doctor was about to explain everything to him, and that burying herself in his embrace was the only way she'd not fall apart when he did it.

The doctor didn't need introduction to know who Charlie was. He was a kind man who'd believed Elsie's story and didn't judge her for not being wed. He was traditional, but progressive in some of his patterns of thinking and would've been great friends with Dr. Clarkson if he'd known him.

Elsie cried softly in Carson's arms now, not wanting to hear it being explained over again. It was too much for a mother's heart to bear.

Dr. Campbell sighed. "I can't tell what is going on with your baby. Miss Hughes lost quite a bit of blood due to the attack."

"An attack?!" Charlie was horrified.

"Yes." Campbell sighed. "It was her sister you see. Becky by the way is in the cellar and won't come out."

"She can stay there as far as I'm concerned." Elsie barked sharply.

Carson was horrified, but said not another word awaiting Dr. Campbell's full explanation.

"I can't get a heartbeat on a baby of this size because the stethoscope isn't powerful enough." He began. "We'd have to wait until the seventh or eighth month. All there is right now is quickening, the movement of the baby. But unfortunately… she hasn't felt a thing in the three days since the incident."

Carson's heart dropped as Elsie started to cry again. His eyes welled with tears as he began to run his fingers through her hair. He kissed the side of her head, knowing their embrace was of little comfort.

"At this stage, the baby's too big to be outright miscarried. There's a chance it could've survived, but if not, she's far enough along to where she's going to have to give birth to a stillborn I'm afraid."

The sound of his words made Elsie begin to bawl and start to hug her belly protectively as tears slid freely down Carson's cheeks.

"I'm sorry Mr. Carson, I wish I had better news for you both." He said.

The doctor did his best to comfort them and then left them alone in their sorrow.

"I'm so sorry!" She cried.

"No, no you've nothing to be sorry for my love, nothing." He held her close.

"We made this wee little baby only for him to suffer." She cried. She was so deeply worried that her baby was suffering inside of her, or had suffered before he passed and she didn't even know it. "I'm sorry I lost your son Mr. Carson." She said, gripping his shirt with one hand and her belly with the other.

Carson swallowed hard when she said this. _Your son._ His soul seethed with anger and hate and pain just at the sound of those words. 'Leave it vague.' He thought. 'Quit telling me it was my son.'

"There, it's alright my Elspeth Hughes, I am here, here to hold not just our baby, but you." He paused, fear growing in his own heart.

Elsie snuggled up to him, her fear that he didn't want her without a baby assuaged now that he'd said he was there to hold her.

"I didn't think you'd want me anymore." She admitted quietly, choking on her tears.

"Oh I've wanted you always." He promised. "I want you always. Having a child isn't going to make me love you more, it was just a ticket to get us together." He admitted, causing her to cry even harder.

'My baby wasn't _just_ anything.' She thought.

She was hyperventilating now as he dried her tears. "Don't cry so hard my love, don't it's bad for…" He almost said the baby. "It's bad for you, it'll make you sick my love. Please don't cry so hard."

"I don't care what happens to me." She sobbed.

"Shuu." He soothed saying nothing more for the moment.

"It was kicking, and moving just before it happened and I told him that his daddy would be so happy to hear about his moving." She remarked, trying to keep from sobbing again.

Elsie wouldn't dare say the thing that wouldn't leave her mind, knowing this part, the part where she wondered if that was the only time in her life she'd spend as a mother, would break him too.

Carson's heart dropped at the thought that the child had been moving before the accident. To him it was a bad sign.

"My Elspeth Carson to be. I care very much what happens to you, baby or no and I'll love you all of time, baby or no." He started, stroking her belly with a shaky hand. "Our baby is at peace, wherever she is. I can feel that."

'Don't say that, don't say he's at peace it means there's no hope.' She thought.

"I wanted him so much." She sobbed, clutching his hand now. "Oh, no, no, no, not my baby, not my baby!" She started to cry so hard she was choking and doubled over, falling totally into his embrace.

"Shu…"

"It was a boy, I could feel it was a little boy."

Carson closed his eyes; he could barely breathe at the thought of his son, his dead son whom he'd wanted so much.

"Please." She begged. "Please save him, I don't want to loose our baby, please, he doesn't deserve this. He was so alive, please, please, please." She was crying so hard now she was barely discernable, and certainly not at all reasonable.

"Oh my Elsie." He whispered, afraid now that she was loosing her mind with grief. "I'm here. I'm here now and I love you." He said. "And I love our baby. And I'm not giving up on him." He held her tight, cradling and beginning to rock her as her sobs slowed. "We made this little baby together, but not to suffer." He proclaimed boldly, the mere sound of his voice easing Elsie's deeply wounded heart. "We made this little baby together and because we're his parents," Carson said, fighting fresh tears, "we're not going to give up on him."

And so they sat and waited and prayed, pleading for a life not yet lived.


	9. With One Heart

Ch 9 – With One Heart

Carson lay there in the dark, letting his Elsie's hair fall back into place as he ran it through his fingers. He never thought he'd be so appreciative as he was in that moment, for the silence that echoed in the black of the night or the solitude it bought on. He needed to be alone with his thoughts, and more over, alone to just hold his Elsie. He'd held her much of the day and spent the rest of the time caring for her in a way she was too weak to care for herself. He fed her and bathed her and put her back to bed, joining her as soon as night fell. It crushed him that she was still crying, even that many hours later. She'd cried herself to sleep in his arms as the night turned from blue to black, leaving him alone to face emotions he'd yet to grapple with.

He'd not had time to consider it all before that moment, not really. Once he'd heard the news he'd sprung into action, hurried to her side and tended to her. Carson had not slept in two days now but was too hurt and too overwhelmed to even worry about it. His baby, his hope was probably gone: stolen from them. What a cruel, cruel fate. In that instant, Carson worried for the soul of the unborn. He and Elsie weren't married after all, and it suddenly struck him that the soul of their little one could be damned.

'No.' He thought. 'What we did wasn't his choice. He didn't ask to be made. He's still an innocent babe.' Carson's heart jumped at the thought, the idea that he was innocent and not damned to hell somehow made the pain so much worse.

Carson stopped, the idea sinking in as pain rushed to his heart. _Pain_. Yes that's what it was. Carson felt something far beyond that, but being as burdened as he was, he knew not what at the time. Later he would see the overriding feeling, the thing that nagged at his heart and his gut was a long, dragged out sense of desperation and helplessness. There he was _helping_ , trying his best to be the protector he'd been meant to be as a father… and a whatever he was to Elsie, and yet he could do nothing.

He paused swallowing hard and with a shaky hand reached down to touch Elsie's belly, his heart dropping when he felt nothing save the bump its self. He'd hoped for a miracle in that moment, for just one little kick. But nothing. Carson closed his eyes, a single tear trickling down his cheek and into Elsie's hair. He still held her close, as if they were one. It'd been the only way she'd been able to fall asleep. Carson pressed his hand firmly into her side, his breath catching in his throat when he felt it: the edge of his child's body.

The feeling brought on the greatest sense of awe and an instant rush of pain. Carson swallowed again, his throat beginning to burn as he held back bigger tears. 'That is my child. My flesh and her flesh, my blood and her blood…' Carson bit his lip at his next thought, 'my blood and her blood _spilled_.' Carson couldn't stop his tears this time, finally admitting to himself just how crushed he was. He held his hand there, hoping to feel the child shift under his touch silently wondering if this moment, right there of holding his unborn child's side was the only moment in his life where he'd ever be anyone's father.

Carson never wanted to let go but did so, knowing he could easily wake her up if he kept his hand there for much longer. He pulled it away resting his palm gently on top of her stomach, letting it linger where she'd said the kicking had originated.

"I am your father." He whispered kindly. He smiled bittersweetly; surprised he'd been able to get that out. "I'm your daddy and… and if you can hear me, if you can hear me please don't be scared my little one."

He'd been thinking about it, and could see where Becky's attack could've easily scared the hell out of a little unborn baby. In that instant, Carson began to worry more. What if he weren't dead? What if he was suffering in there, afflicted with a broken bone, or a punctured undeveloped little organ? What if he were in real pain? Carson would've rather had him dead than in agony and almost became ill at the thought.

"Oh my sweet child." He whispered, ensuring Elsie could not hear. "Daddy is here. Can you please give me a sign, any sign that you're here with him? He loves you so much.

Carson took a deep breath, cupping his large hand over her stomach one last time in the hope that he'd feel just one little jolt, or the brush of a tiny foot: noting. He took a sharp breath, trying to keep from becoming ill as the tears began to fall. Carson looked down, panicked when Elsie whimpered in her sleep. He took her in his arms again and settled in by her side, holding her tight and she took her belly back in hand and they drifted off to a restless sleep.

….

Bittersweet. That's what Carson would've called it. He woke up early the next morning, Elsie still sound asleep in his arms, a slight smile played upon her face that brought joy to his heart, making him forget the oppressive ache he carried inside. He smiled sadly, brushing her hair out of her face and tucking it tenderly behind her ear. She was so beautiful lying there in his arms she made his heart ache in longing to be with her like this every morning. And more than anything she was much too beautiful to go through this: to endure this awful pain of carrying a lifeless child and do it alone.

"I'm sorry I can't be with you now." He whispered, his words hitting his gut and making him feel like something far less than a man.

She stirred against him, her smile still present in the depth of sleep. And even as she woke, she seemed to have little recollection of reality. The thought sickened him: that she would awaken, and remember and endure the truth all over again.

"This isn't the life you should be having." He tried not to cry. He noticed she seemed to be glowing and looked every bit the part of a new mother. Just a glimpse of her in that moment made his guilt turn on him and begin to eat him alive.

"Mmmm." She mumbled, snuggling up against him. "Charlie."

He said nothing, running his fingers through her hair, in the hope that he could get her back to sleep. Her belly brushed up against him in that moment, forcing him to look down to investigate. Carson sighed sadly, realizing it was not a kick, but a mere shifting of her hips as the morning sunlight reached her eyes. But there was something: she'd grown overnight. He just stared for a moment, almost amazed by it and how it'd just happened while they were there, asleep in each other's embrace. This, he knew was the miracle of life. Carson forgot for a moment, and he moved to kiss her, wake her and show her what had happened in the shadow of the night but then he remembered.

His breath caught in his throat and he wondered if this was a good sign, if it meant the baby was alive, or if it was a curse, something that would sadden her even more deeply and drive her into madness with her sister.

….

Carson stared at Elsie as he made breakfast. All was painfully silent save the sound of the eggs sizzling on the griddle. She stared off into space, her middle in hand. He watched as she closed her eyes, pressing into it deeply, hoping to feel something: and then nothing.

'I want to go home. Take me home with you.' She'd whispered the night before. 'I don't care who knows I'm carrying your child Mr. Carson. I just want to go home: I want to have Dr. Clarkson deliver it, and then I want to burry our bastard in the churchyard.'

Carson was shocked by her tone, her words making it clear to him that she wasn't thinking clearly at all.

'I don't care.' She continued. 'If people see me bring it flowers and call me an old whore.' Her voice cracked with pain, breaking in a way he couldn't stand to hear. 'I want my home, and my Charlie and my baby.' She'd burst before starting to sob again.

He heard it still, vibrating against the drum of his ear, flowing against the beat of his heart as he watched her sitting there, nearly going mad. He didn't know what to do. He'd have to leave in several days and she was in no shape to be alone, nor would he forgive himself for leaving her. But he couldn't bring her back to Downton, not right then. There were too many entanglements: her health, Becky, the farm, and the matter of their not being married. Charlie went to her side and sat next to her, taking her hand in his own.

"Elsie we need to talk." He said gently and she looked down, staring at her blooming frame.

It made her want to cry again, but her tears had flowed so hard and fast the past few days that this morning they'd tired out and gone silent. Instead she cried on the inside, feeling a deeper, more bitter pain loom there.

"First: I want to remind you that I love you with all of my heart no matter what happens." Carson said. "I should've said it long ago."

"I'm not hungry." She said simply, her eyes almost glazed over.

"Elsie..."

"He's not hungry." She said, placing both of her shaky hands over her belly, choking on her words. "He's not anything."

He tucked her hair behind her ear and she laid her cheek in his hand. She didn't cry, but instead she sighed, an ineffable sadness escaping from her barely parted lips.

"I love you Elsie Hughes." He whispered, placing his hand on her middle. "And my, is he something." She put her head down.

"I want my baby." She whispered. "Take me home. I want to burry him at home."

"No." He said strongly.

She swallowed hard, her heart breaking thinking he was ashamed of her and what they'd done, that he was preparing to throw her away. This was the last thing she'd wanted: to grow old here and alone. At least at Downton she would've had Lord and Lady Grantham's favor, Beryl's friendship and her secret life with Mr. Carson, even if it was just tucked away inside her head.

"No, we will not burry him at home. He will be born here. He will learn to run and play in those fields outside, and one day, he will come home to Downton, with his ma and da at the appointed time."

She looked down, tears clouding her vision. "Oh what a wonderful thing that can never be." She whispered.

"It's a wonderful thing that will be. I have faith. Faith in God, faith in our big strong baby, and faith in you."

"I know I've let you down: I know he's gone." She choked.

He took her chin in hand, lifting her face to meet his gaze. "No matter what happens, Mrs. Hughes. You could never let me down." He said, his words causing her to whimper. "You will always have my heart and I promise I will bring you home to spend forever with me."

Elsie's heart sighed at his words and in spite of her sorrow he saw her eyes smile as he leaned down beginning to kiss her deeply.

…

Several days passed and Carson and Elsie grew reconciled to the fact that their baby was not going to move. She seemed a little more stable now mentally but he still worried about leaving her, believing she might self-harm. There was much Elsie wanted to say to Carson before he left, but she was still too heartbroken to voice it. In a similar way, he wanted to suggest something to her, but was afraid of how she would take it.

"We do need to start making plans." He said carefully. "Painful plans for either way."

"W-what do you mean?" She hesitated.

In an odd way she'd enjoyed these few days with him. If it weren't for Becky and the painful reminder of their possibly deceased babe it would've been domestic bliss. In those days, Carson and Elsie discovered that they fit well together. Having a home together seemed natural as well as exciting, and to Elsie, carrying his child while doing it seemed a dream. She was up now and out of bed making tea, she placed a hand over her middle before he spoke.

"We need to be prepared… to have a child that is still and one who is live."

"Oh." She cried, biting her lip. She looked down, cradling her middle with one hand and holding the tea with the other.

He noted she never took her hand off her middle. Neither spoke of it, but he understood. In a way he was jealous. He to wanted to relish every moment with the only child they'd probably ever have.

"I-it means we need a name, and a crib…and a way to let go." He managed.

A way to let go. Elsie couldn't believe he'd said it so simply. She could never _let go_ , she was a mother whether it lived or not. Her commitment to the child would last her whole life long and into eternity.

"We also need a plan for us." He stressed. "I haven't forgotten what you said a few days ago before we went to sleep."

She sighed."Mr. Carson it wasn't part of the plan. Coming home with you. Putting Becky in a place would mean I would have to make a lot of arrangements: shut down what's left of the farm, sell off a lot of things…. And it would mean giving up every penny I could spare, although I'd like nothing more than to go on working if I can't… if I can't be a mum." She swallowed hard when she finally said it, staring back at him, noting the pained look in his brown orbs.

"Nothing more?" He asked nervously.

"No. Nothing more." She said sincerely.

Carson's heart sunk, there it was, the end of a dream. She really didn't want him; she'd wanted him only to father her child. The idea made him feel embarrassed and cheap, in addition to heartbroken.

"I see."

"No." She corrected sharply. "You misunderstand me, Mr. Carson."

"O-oh."

"Yes." She took a breath. "I should like to have the baby at Downton. That way, if he is…if he is still, then his mummy and daddy can visit him as they grow old." In a way the morbid statement was a relief to him. She still wanted to grow old with him. "I don't… I don't want to burry my baby here and leave him behind in this… in this forgotten place. In forgotten dried up earth." He took her hand and squeezed it urging her to sit down across from him.

Carson teared up at her words: even in death she longed to give their child life.

"Elsie. No matter what happens, you will bare me a son. He will have your eyes." She blushed as she sniffled. "And my smile. And we will hold him together and look on him, with one heart. We will name him and wherever he is, up in heaven or here in our arms, he will know we love him more than anything and it will be all he needs. It won't be enough for us, but it will be for him."

Elsie took his hand and placed it on her middle, closing her eyes and willing the baby to move. 'Come on.' She thought. 'Move for mummy, move, just a bit.'

"That could never be enough for me." She urged.

"But it will be all our baby needs: love from his ma and da, nothing's better than that."

….

"How could you even suggest such a thing?!" Elsie burst, tears filling her eyes. "You're just as bad as her!"

"As who?"

"As that, that _**thing**_ that did this." She thundered suddenly.

"Do you hate Becky?" He inquired softly.

"Yes I do, I do hate Becky!" She cried. "And I hate you, how could you!"

Carson was floored and even Becky watched closely from her place in the corner as Elsie stood, grabbing her blanket and draping it around her shoulders before heading outside.

"Well that didn't go well." He said turning back to Becky who still just stared at the door her sister had slammed. She shook her head, looking up at him before going back to what she was doing.

He didn't know what to think of Becky. He didn't hate her, but wanted to for having likely cost him his child and now probably his fiancé too. He sighed, running his fingers through his hair as he headed outside.

"Don't talk to me." Elsie replied sternly. She sat on the porch, gazing out at the vast expanse of un-kept green fields, shaking a little as she held her blanket around her.

"It wasn't a bad suggestion." He said, sitting next to her.

"I'm not your wife." She replied, staring straight ahead.

"I want to remedy that." He reminded.

"Not with a man who would suggest such a thing."

"How is it any different, Mrs. Hughes from what you suggested six months ago?"

"It's entirely different. That was morbid."

Perhaps it was. 'We should try again.' He'd said as they prepared to make dinner. She turned to him, her eyes wide, almost maniacal with anger.

"It's true." He continued. "People go on. Couples go on from things like this, Elsie. I'm not saying we forget…"

"I'm not doing it again for her to kill another one!"

Elsie wished she could entertain his suggestion. She loved him and wanted his child so much: but she thought it wrong to simply _replace_ this one when she loved him so much. She'd felt him before, she knew him already and knew there'd never be anyone like this baby ever again. He kept on talking, and in an instant, Elsie realized she didn't feel right and wished he'd stop: he was making her more anxious.

Carson had made a terrible suggestion, but still saw nothing wrong with it. It was just factual. 'You're still capable of becoming pregnant.' He'd added. 'If we want a child, and this one does not survive; we should try to have another when enough time passes.' He'd found the suggestion reasonable and she'd found it repugnant. In her mind, no one could replace the still child she carried under her heart. He was hers already and she'd had such high hopes for him, or for her.

"I love this baby too. Oh so much that I can't contain it, and I'd never forget him. But he'll be at peace and what will we have. I think it'd be a tribute, a way to keep him alive: to go on and love his baby brother or sister with one heart, just as we love him, don't you Elsie? Um, Elsie?"

It took Carson a moment to notice she'd not answered in some time. Instead she stared straight ahead, her hand on her side as she winced.

"Oooh!" She cried, gasping in pain.

Carson stopped dead in his tracks, fear gripping when he realized she was doubling over in pain. It couldn't be. It was all happening far, far too fast. It was much, much too soon.

"Elsie! No!"


	10. It Won't Be That Way

Ch 10- It Won't Be That Way

"Mrs. Hughes." He said, tucking her into bed

It was late and Elsie lay, weak by the fire. She eagerly took the teacup he offered in hand, placing it atop her middle, Charlie's hand cupping her rounded belly gently.

"It's been a long day my Mrs. Hughes." He said as she squeezed his hand. "Among the longest of days." She said, her voice groggy.

It'd been a contraction… or so the doctor said. But it'd stopped.

'It could be any number of things.' The doctor had told them when he'd come to examine Elsie, an experience Carson had found he hadn't liked.

Elsie had taken his hand and squeezed it tight, seemingly hanging on for dear life. He watched her eyes as the doctor visited with them, noting that she was only half there with them. He took her hand and kissed it gently, trying his best to regain her attention but she simply stared, a single tear streaming down her cheek.

The doctor's prognosis was mixed.

'Your cervix is sealed it's not labor, not true labor anyhow.' Carson cringed at this, like Lord Grantham he didn't enjoy medical detail. 'I would say its your first signs of false labor, something the body does to prepare for the real thing… but Ms. Hughes I must warn you, if the child is to be still the body may make it come very early.'

"It won't be that way." Carson promised, cradling her belly, his sorrow-filled face made a bit more anguished by the shadow cast on it by the fire.

Elsie was upset and wanted him to stop touching her midsection but said nothing, feeling that for now that part of her belonged to him too, that he deserved whatever time they had to connect with the child who would not be.

"It was to be Charlie." She said quietly, her eyes flashing as she looked up at him. "Charlie because I love his father so much."

"Oh Elsie." He sighed deeply, pain and pride both swelling within his heart. "You'd really…"

She nodded quickly and he reached up to dry her tears. Crushed, she lie her cheek in his hand and just rested it there.

"I love you Charlie Carson, I'm so sorry I couldn't be good enough."

"Elsie Hughes: you are the most perfect of women. And the only woman for me."

Elsie stared up at him, her eyes swimming with confusion. How could she, now that he'd said that? Although a part of her wanted to, it occurred to Elsie that she could never do it without it breaking her: she could never tell him to let her go but part of her knew that she must.

"Why do you think, " he continued, "it took me so long to settle, to find someone to love. I wanted to Mrs. Hughes. I always wished to go another way. I had a…romantic interlude." He didn't know how else to phrase his time with Alice and didn't necessarily want to confess right then that it had been an intimate interlude. "As a very young man. She broke my heart and I married my work. No other woman ever compared… not until you."

"She gulped, toying with the ring he'd given her as he took her cheek in hand and forced her to look up at him.

"I know what you're thinking." He said. "You want me to go: you think you've done something."

"I couldn't protect our child." She cried, voice squeaking before it simply cut off. "No man wants a woman who can't protect their child. Charlie I think that its time for us to…"

"Don't you love me?" He asked, pain obvious in his eyes.

"With everything in me." She cried, drying her tears. "Charlie…"

"He will be a beautiful baby."

"He will be everything and nothing at all Mr. Carson. When will you leave?"

"Not until you marry me."

"I can't. Not like this…"

"You won't get rid of me so easily, Elsie Hughes. Such a feat would be impossible, for you are part of me and always have been." He said, his face inching closer to hers.

She looked up at him, a deep longing in her eyes that translated almost into a pure devastation he could barely stand.

"You complete me my Elsie, you were made for me and I for you and even if you send me off, here I'll still be." He said as she started to cry again. "Don't send me away Elsie. You're my life and my reason and you have been. Oh you have been since the moment I saw you first." She gulped, having no idea. It was the way she felt. "No matter what happens. I beg you not to cast me away, not to give up on me: to let yourself love me. To let yourself love you, Elsie. I know you don't want to love yourself."

"I don't deserve love."

Her words pained Carson who took both his hands and placed them on her midsection once again, mentally willing the child to move and by doing so, break the somber mood between his parents. Knowing it wouldn't happen Carson leaned down and pressed his lips to hers, urging them open and kissing her deeply, taking her face in hand, leaning his forehead to hers once he pulled away.

"Charlie…" She gasped, her eyes closed.

He inched closer to her, her belly the only thing keeping them apart.

"I've no intention of seeming wanton, but if you're going to cast me out." He gulped. "If you're going to throw me away…"

Elsie looked up alarmed, wondering if he could read her mind.

"Then give me one more night with you. It's not enough it could never be enough… but I need to hold you, I need to hold you one last time."

"Oh Charlie." She said, her breath ragged. "Oh Mr. Carson I'll love you to the end of ti…" He cut her off, ending her words with a kiss that enthralled her fully with just the simple brush of his lips.

…

"Hmmm." Elsie whimpered. Her eyes closed and she settled in against his bare chest, relishing the soon to be longed for feeling of being held tight in his warm embrace.

"Elsie." He whispered, running his fingers through the long hair she'd allowed him to take down. He moved it back out of her face, sinking down into her neck and kissing it deeply.

Having thrown caution to the wind, the couple ended up on the floor shortly after they started to kiss. It was there they made love and there they came to rest in front of the fire, between two large tartan blankets and snug in each other's embrace. Elsie kept her eyes shut tight, her forehead pressed against his, not wanting to come back to reality. Here in the dark, she had Charlie and Charlie alone. There was no Scotland, no Becky and no stillborn babe.

"My precious Elsie." He whispered, his breath tickling her skin.

She sighed feeling two big hands cup her expectant stomach, his touch calming her in an instant. Carson looked down at her with great big warm eyes that held within them all the love in his heart and the worry consuming his soul. He gazed at her with affection and also trepidation, noting how tiny she seemed, even despite the large bubble on her tummy that, now that she was unclothed, seemed to simply be blooming.

He held her close, her middle taking up every bit of space between them, pressing into his own midsection. He marveled over it, caressing it in his hands with the realization that nothing else in the world was as sacred in quite the same way and nothing purer or more blessed could've come from the act, which they'd just partaken of. He leaned down again and kissed her with all his might, tears pouring from his eyes in gratitude for all that lay before him, although he knew not what was to come.

'She's so lovely, and my beloved and the mother of my child.' He thought.

And stillborn or not, Carson couldn't help but find himself filled with pride for the fact that there was a child of their making, there between them. He'd loved her from the moment he first saw her, but never in his wildest dreams, thought she would ever carry his child. Elsie opened her eyes and placed her hands over his where they rested atop the baby. She smiled up at him sweetly and blinked, a joy present in her eyes he hadn't seen in months.

"I'm so touched Mr. Carson." She sniffled. "That this is part you, and part me. And so no matter what happens: he will have always been the best part of me."

"Oh Elsie." He said, pressing his forehead against hers and gently kissing her nose. "You are the very best part of me."

...

The couple lay there all night wrapped in each other's embrace, their hands never leaving the side of their still unborn treasure. They lay silent for much of that time, their foreheads, noses and lips in a continued embrace that slowed only once the fire started to die down and they found they could no longer stay awake. The deeply troubled couple had been soothed greatly by the tone of their lovemaking, which had been both more gratifying and heart-filled than either could ever recall it being. It'd been something that soothed them that bonded them and left them both wondering how they could ever let the other go.

Half asleep, they still held her belly, looking down at the hidden frame of their little one in patient expectation, hoping against all hope that he would move: nothing. The couple was resolved to it now: that their dream was gone and they would have a secret child who they would honor quietly and long for all their days.

"She'll have your eyes Mrs. Hughes. She'll be perfect."

Elsie bit her lip, not wanting to tell him that eyes were for the living.

"I'm having a boy and he'll look like his da." She said, pretending for a moment that she were saying this of a normal baby. "He's a boy." She almost squeaked in sadness.

It was the one thing about all this she could say for sure: that she was expecting a little boy. She wasn't sure how she knew it so definitively had confirmed her condition. On top of that, an old midwife in the village had told her that very thing last week, knowing nothing else about her but taking note of the way she carried the baby.

"And he's a boy, my Mrs. Hughes, who will make me prouder than I could've ever hoped to be and for all of my days."

….

Elsie found that the time drew near far too quickly and soon, it became time for Carson to return to Downton Abbey. Each had tried to finagle a way out of it several times, all unsuccessfully, and then when it was time for him to really leave she found herself heartbroken, to the point of nearly being sick. For a while, she'd found herself in the depths of her sorrow and wanting to get rid of him, the love of her life. Now all she wanted was to accompany him home, announce their love and spend all her days at his side.

It was Elsie's childhood friend, Joe Burns who came to take Charlie to the train and despite the fact that Joe knew they were unwed; Elsie was not at all shy about bidding her Mr. Carson a proper farewell. The formidable butler, who did not like public displays of affection, ran his fingers through his love's hair, staring deep into her eyes with all the adoration he could muster and she stared back with all the attention she had to give.

Joe knew it was impolite but couldn't help but watch from the doorway. He'd always known it would take both a formidable man and an untraditional situation to win Elsie over, that he'd not been good enough, that their life had not been special enough… Joe watched Charlie Carson lean in to kiss the woman he'd once loved, feeling both a bit jealous and very humored. While he still had feelings for Elsie, Joe understood within an instant that he'd been beaten and that Charlie was so formidable that even in is absence, his mere mention alone would have all the power in the world to his stake and claim his girl. After all, Joe knew that Elsie was a virtuous person. She'd refused Joe a date when they were young, but had very obviously let Charlie make love to her, unwed.

Joe knew he didn't stand a chance, but hoped with everything in him that after a time, this mighty man's noticeable absence, and Elsie's sorrow over a child who she had to burry, would be enough to give the recently widowed man a competitive advantage.

"I'll be back and very soon." Charlie kissed her hands; she stared up at him, seemingly enthralled with every breath he took. "I'll be here to see him born, to hold him in our arms and please: to make you my Mrs. Carson."

Elsie dreaded the birth with everything in her, because she knew that with that would come an inevitable letting go. But at the same time, she found herself now unable to wait to be Mrs. Carson, a name she already went by in town.

"My Mr. Carson I've no words for how much I'll miss and long for you." She wrapped her arms around his neck and stood on her tiptoes, kissing him deeply. He felt his heart warm in an instant when his love kissed him so deeply and he felt the frame of their unborn babe against his chest.

"I love you."

"I love you Mr. Carson and I can't wait to marry you!" She said, kissing him deeply.

The couple had a difficult time separating and eventually, Joe was able to get Charlie out the door with the message that it was about noon and he was about to miss the train. Elsie waved from the door, her eyes pooling with tears as a gentle summer rain started to pour from the heavens, instantly turning the ground below to mud. Elsie watched even as Joe's carriage got further down the path, wanting to take in every last glimpse of Charlie she could get. She thought of waiving but watched patiently, caressing her belly as the carriage rounded a corner and went out of view.

"Oh! OUCH!" She cried, looking down and suddenly realizing the baby kicked. "CHARLIE!" She yelled. "CHARLIE!" She gathered her skirts and despite the rain and the mud began to run. "CHARLIE! CHARLLIE! CHARLIE!"

Elsie found it hard to run with the baby and almost tripped several times but caught up with the carriage as Joe brought it to a simple stop.

"Charlie!" She called up to him, tears of joy filling her eyes as she looked up at him, walking along side the carriage.

"ELSIE! You need your rest you shouldn't be…"

"Mr. Carson you don't understand. I'm having your baby!"

"Well I know how do you think we…"

"No Mr. Carson! I'm having your baby!" She started sob.

"E-Elsie is…?" He asked carefully, pain in his eyes.

She nodded quickly, trying to keep from crying hard as the coach finally came to a stop. The fullness of what she said took root and shone in his eyes like light from the sun the moment it hit him. He scrambled out and swept Elsie in his arms, kissing her deeply and without hesitation she took his hand, tears in her eyes and placed it right where the baby was punching. She looked up into his face, laughing jubilantly when she realized how deeply touched he was to feel their baby.

"Oh… oh Elsie." He said very softly, the feeling having taken his breath away. "Oh my Elsie there he is."

"He's alive Mr. Carson! He's alive and he's going to be the most perfect babe!" She burst and he took her face in hand, kissing her deeply as an unknown foe watched them kiss in the pouring rain.


	11. Waiting

Ch 11- Waiting

Elsie found herself in much brighter spirits after the baby began to kick once more. It was the only thing that got her through the sorrow of Charlie leaving.

"Mummy's dear sweet little babe." She smiled down at her middle, cupping it gently in her hand and sighing as the baby kicked. "You've no idea how much your mummy loves you my little treasure and how much she looks forward to you and everything about you."

Elsie was elated that her baby was going to live, but that wasn't to say that things went back to normal between the Hughes sisters. Elsie was over cautious with Becky and found she despised her after what had happened with the baby. Since that time, she had started to wonder if she hadn't made a mistake in becoming pregnant. Would Becky harm the baby once it was born? Was she safe to even be around? Could she trust her?

Becky hadn't known what she had done, but had come, recently, to conceptually understand her big sister's condition. She was trilled by the idea now that she understood fully, and in her heart and mind would never hurt a little baby intentionally. But Elsie couldn't be sure of that and was quietly thinking of sending her sister away for the sake of her unborn baby's safety. Unbeknownst to her, Becky (who could sew and do little else) was making a blanket in secret as a gesture of goodwill to her unborn niece or nephew.

"Oooh!" Elsie jumped as she hung the laundry. "That was a sharp one."

The baby's kicking had increased by ten-fold ever since it had started again. Elsie found herself constantly being jabbed in the back, in the front of her belly: everywhere.

"You've the intensity of your da." She giggled, feeling a tiny foot glide across where her hand rested. "I wonder if you'll look like him too."

She secretly hoped her child would bare all the hallmarks of having come from both her and Charlie. It would be the most precious thing she could think of, something to hold onto while they were apart.

Charlie had stayed longer than he was able because of her state and the baby's unknown condition. He had written back to the family having invented the absurd story that his sister (who didn't exist and hadn't been mentioned before in his many years of service) had taken very ill and that he'd have to take up sizable amounts of vacation time to care for her in the future.

It was almost a flippant story, rather like something that Violet Crawley's butler Spratt would conjure up about his relatives that probably wasn't true. Nonetheless, the family who was secretly just as infatuated with Carson as he was them, ate up the preposterous tale and granted him the time off: five days every month. It was hardly enough, but more than they could've ever imagined. Elsie couldn't wait till he returned again to see how much she'd grown.

A lot had changed in the few weeks since he'd gone. A cold spring had become a mild summer, and when the trees and flowers began to blossom so did the child within her. One day he'd started kicking again and then grown by leaps and bounds. Elsie regarded it as a true miracle. There was no hiding, now, that she was going to be a mother very soon.

Because of what had happened the doctor came by every few days to check on her and had grown impressed with the turn around in her condition. He'd thought for sure that she'd have a stillborn, but knew now that was not to be. Stunned, he told her that her condition would not change: she should expect a healthy child in August, just five or six weeks away now. And not just a healthy child: a sizable one.

'It's my wee Mr. Carson sized babe.' She joked.

It wasn't just the doctor who came by every few days, but also Joe burns. Elsie, a woman who saw through just about everyone's crap, didn't notice the way that Joe very clearly fancied her. But Becky did. The quiet woman who spent a life trapped in her own mind was more capable of clear thought than you might imagine and saw through Joe's flirtation very easily.

Like her sister, she liked Charlie Carson. He'd been kind to her in a way most people had not. And aside from that, liking him was something that just came naturally and in that sense, the woman found herself loyal to him to the point of wanting to retaliate against Joe.

He came by almost everyday when Elsie was doing the laundry or gathering the firewood she'd paid someone else to cut. He would stay for as long as he could, look deep into her eyes and insist on helping her with things the man of the house should be doing.

Even Becky could see that he was trying to step in where he didn't belong, in another man's place with his love and his baby. She could see it was something morally backwards and almost hissed every time Joe came around, something Elsie always chastised her for. Becky didn't understand how Elsie didn't recall a similar dynamic from her teenage years. Joe would come by and she would converse with him but was never really interested. It was always as if she were otherwise occupied, like Joe was getting in the way of someone else who held her destiny. Becky didn't understand how such a dynamic was so clear to her, a woman whose life met nothing when it seemingly went unnoticed by her much more astute sister.

"You shouldn't be doing such a thing in your condition, Elsie." Joe reminded, taking the wood from her and bringing it inside.

Elsie was a bit uncomfortable, feeling that he was insinuating that her beloved Charlie wasn't doing a good job in caring for her. Maybe he wasn't in some way, but there was nothing else that could be done, especially not when she'd asked for this and their future still hinged on his continued employment at Downton.

"Any time you need me, just come up over the hill and ask, I'll get it for you whatever you need."

Joe had more to say, but he thought Elsie was not ready to hear it. In his opinion, a woman like her should never be left to lone, forced (or maybe even allowed) to deal with her own affairs. And she should certainly not, be left to raise a baby by herself. He would be appalled if he realized she'd volunteered to be an unwed single mother.

"That's very sweet." She acknowledged hesitantly.

Becky watched carefully from her place on the porch as her very pregnant sister conversed with Joe.

"He shouldn't have left you like this Elsie." He said, beginning to stack the firewood.

"A…" Elsie opened her mouth to speak, finding that she could not.

The statement was an affront to Charlie and it was also an affront to her, but moreover she was struck with the painful knowing that he was right. Charlie shouldn't have left her. Not like this. Elsie's mind swam and her heart sunk in sadness and defeat. At once, Elsie felt abandoned and lonely. Joe's words put filled her mind with doubt. And although she tried to shake it, she found she could not.

"I must go now Cam will be home from school soon." Joe spoke of his younger son. "But I'll be back." He said with intention.

Elsie said not a word, his words rattling her nerves to the core.

….

"Joe's a bad man." Becky offered.

The younger Hughes sister sat at the table, sewing while Elsie cooked. She watched Elsie carefully, noting that she was quiet and shaky.

"He's a nice man!" She defended quickly, trying not to think of what had been said. "I don't understand why it is that you're so against…"

Elsie chastised her sister as she tended to the stew she'd made. Becky didn't bother to try to form a sentence and instead got up and tossed a pile of Charlie's letters in front of her sister. Elsie furrowed her brow, confused as to what she was referring to and picked up the letters.

"Charlie thinks he's a nice man too." She assured.

Becky laughed inside, knowing this wasn't the case. Becky was slow, but a good observer of human nature. She knew Charlie was jealous and had reason to be.

"Oooooh." Elsie winced, feeling the baby kick her hard. "That's a strong one m'love."

Elsie jumped when she felt a hand touch her side. Becky slid her hand over her frightened sister's stomach, causing her to shake visibly in fear that she'd hurt the baby like she had before. Elsie dropped the spoon, placing both hands over her belly in a weak attempt to protect the babe inside.

"I…do you want to feel the baby, Becky lass?" She asked and the younger sister nodded.

Elsie took her sister's hand, gently placing it right over where the baby punched.

"Gentle, gentle with baby." Elsie reminded uneasily.

"Baby hurt you?"

"No, no he's supposed to kick." She soothed.

Becky's eyes brightened in awe at the feel of the baby's kick. It was wonderment, like none Elsie had ever seen from her before.

"I'm worried Becky lass." Elsie decided to confide.

"Charlie baby."

"Yes, Charlie's baby." She bit her lip before bursting out crying.

Becky jumped back in fear and looked up at her sister in concern.

"I'm so sorry I know I'm just being silly." She spoke, drying her tears with her apron. "I know Charlie loves me and I love him desperately but… he did leave me here… it was a situation of my own making and I know that." She decided a moment later, swallowing hard.

The truth was, Joe had messed with her head. And it left her wondering why Charlie would agree to leave her again after all they'd been through. If he loved her, he would've quit, wouldn't he? Or come clean. Elsie knew, logically that it wasn't that easy. That in her eagerness to have a baby she'd allowed him to disgrace her, to disgrace them both and it wasn't something that could be easily divulged to a proper employer and a judgmental world.

Elsie burst out crying again. Her overemotional state getting the better of her.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I know I brought this upon myself." She dried her tears with her apron as Becky took her in her arms.

"Shuuu." The slow sister soothed. "Elsie okay."

Elsie laughed, hugging her sister back in surprise.

"I'll take care of her." She reassured.

"That's right Becky." Elsie reassured. "I know you'll take care of me, honey."

…

Two Weeks Later

"Aren't people going to start wondering why you're in the town buying baby things?" Mrs. Patmore admonished, closing the door behind her as she made her way into the nervous butler's pantry. Carson looked up, excitedly.

Carson had been to town earlier in the day, picking up things for the baby: blankets, toys and many, many other gifts. He'd gone a bit overboard, and was already excitedly packing for his trip to Scotland, a journey he couldn't be summoned for a day sooner.

"I've to do something, I'm on pins and needles waiting for a letter!"

"What'd you say in town?"

"A cousin's baby, a close cousin."

Beryl sighed. "And one day, when Elsie comes up the drive with your babe?"

Carson smiled. "That I really do not know, Mrs. Patmore. But I can't wait to stumble for an explanation." He smiled.

"I'm glad the two of you got your wish… I just wish it'd been, just a bit different." She sighed.

Carson laughed; it wasn't like Mrs. Patmore to be coy when she had a point to make.

"Mrs. Patmore I know what you're thinking, I didn't want things the way they were either but, I couldn't deny her wish you see. But I promise this: I will honor the future Mrs. Carson as soon as we are able. There's nothing in the world _I_ want more than to make her my wife."

Just then there was a knock on the door. Mrs. Patmore opened it, frustrated to have been interrupted. Daisy stood there, wide-eyed and out of breath, a piece of paper in her hand. Neither Carson nor Mrs. Patmore realized that Daisy had overheard Carson's words, about making someone his wife.

"Well, what is it then?" Mrs. Patmore asked.

"I-I…" Shocked, Daisy could barely answer. Mrs. Patmore took the paper from her hand. "It's a telegram for Mr. Carson, they said it's urgent."

Carson took it quickly and Beryl calmed a bit, patting Daisy on the arm. "Thank you Daisy."

The girl hesitated for a moment, but left quickly as Carson ripped open the telegram, Mrs. Patmore looking over his shoulder.

"What's it say, what's it say!" Beryl cried quietly, watching as his eyes sparkled and his smile spread slowly into the most excited of grins.

He paused and looked up. "It's time."


	12. Time

Ch 12 –

"Oh my Elsie." Carson whispered, his breath barely leaving his lips.

Carson stopped himself in her doorway, stunned to see her like this. She nearly waddled as she came into view, one hand supporting her back, the other caressing her blossoming belly. She squealed in surprise, rushing to hug him.

It was with great difficulty that she'd rounded the corner into the living area to see who her guest was. Given her state, the doctor and a neighbor both checked on her daily, and although she'd called for Charlie to come, she'd never expected he'd manage to get away from Downton so soon.

"Charlie!" She cried, her stomach stopping them before he could pull her into his embrace.

He stared down at it, mesmerized as her belly bumped up against him. The last time he'd left, they'd been unsure whether or not their baby had survived. And now, the child was clearly thriving…. To an extent Carson had not expected. He'd never imagined she could get so big. The idea scared him … and filled him with pride … and scared him all over again.

Elsie giggled as he stared, taking his hand and placing it on her middle. The baby kicked sharply, causing Carson to jump in surprise. Elsie smiled, her blue eyes sparkling as he looked down into them. He placed his other hand on the other side of her middle, and she put both of her hands over his in reply.

"Daddy's home." She looked down at her belly, noting they were cradling it together. "Daddy's here to see us."

Carson said nothing, her words giving him a moment of pause. At first he'd been too mesmerized by her state to speak, but now he simply found himself sad and stunned. Was that how it would always be? Daddy floating back and forth and barely home with them? He knew now, more than ever before that he didn't want it that way. Carson tucked his feelings away and bent down, kissing the dome of her belly, causing her to smile deeply.

"Ha! Daddy gave you a kiss." She giggled.

He said not another word before standing and engaging her lips softly with his own. She closed her eyes, sinking into the kiss.

"My beautiful Elsie." He smiled, totally taken by her. "My Elsie you're so incredibly beautiful."

"I'm the size of a house!" She reasoned, chuckling a bit.

It was only in the past couple of weeks that she'd started to grow much larger, and noticibly so. It was not something that had inhibited her much until very recently, and not something she'd seen fit to write Carson about.

"No. You're just so beautiful." He whispered, tears pooling in his eyes.

"You're too wonderful to me, Mr. Carson."

It hit him then, at the mention of his name, and the strong feel of the baby's kick that this was real: the child would be born and Elsie would still not be Mrs. Carson. Deep shame washed over him that was, within seconds almost totally occluded by the love he felt for her.

"Perhaps you should sit?" He asked eagerly, noting her abundant size once again. Something about it caught his attention, but he wasn't sure what to make of it.

"No, no Charlie, wee baby and I are alright. Can't you feel it? He's a strong lad like his da."

Ever since it'd returned, the baby's kicking had been an almost constant force within his mother, and something she'd clung to. Even in the loneliest of times, it'd made her feel so loved. Elsie bit her lip, looking up at Carson flirtatiously.

"Yes my Mrs. Hughes. Yes I can feel it. He's very strong, like his mum."

…

"I had thought you'd gone into labor." Carson raised an eyebrow. "Although I'm glad to see you've not."

Not long after he'd arrived, they'd gone into the kitchen where he took over preparing the supper she'd started not long before. She sat at the table, resting at his insistance, and snacking on the bread that had been intended for dinner. The telegram he'd received a day earlier had been vague, and he'd expected to arrive after the child was born. Although he was glad to say he hadn't: he'd been hoping and praying he'd somehow make it in time.

"No, but I've been having a lot of pain. The doctor says very, very soon and I wanted you here. I didn't want you to miss it."

Carson smiled, sitting down by her side and taking her hand. She squeezed it tight, as if she were very nervous.

"I'm delighted to be with my beautiful love, while she has our beautiful baby. I wanted to be here, and wouldn't have it any other way. If you'll recall I said that when we were trying. And I really must insist you stay off your feet now, and until you've given birth and feel up to being up and around…."

"Oh but Charlie. I've got so much to do around here…"

"Now Mrs. Hughes I'm here… I shall do whatever is necessary for Becky, and to prepare for our little one coming into the world. Where is Becky lass?" Carson asked, looking around.

"Actually she's not here."

"Oh?"

"She's with a childhood friend of hers, Sarah lives just down the road. Sarah of course grew up in a way Becky never could. She got married, and had a family, but has stayed friends with Becky lass all of these years. She's staying there until after the babe comes…OOOH." She winced.

"Should I get the doctor?!" Carson jumped to his feet.

"No, no love, it's just a little pain in my back is all, we're fine baby and me."

"Well, supper's nearly ready on any count… I've an idea, why don't we sit somewhere a bit more comfortable than the dining chairs, it'll do mummy's back a world of good."

"You're worried about me." She claimed as he helped her up and led her to the armchair.

"Well yes." He said, sitting on the ottoman and taking her feet in his hands. "My beautiful love's about to have my baby, of course I'm worried. What are you doing?" He raised an eyebrow.

Elsie giggled, taking her sewing out of the basket by her side. "I've some baby things to finish making."

"What with everything we've been sending?!"

Charlie and Mrs. Patmore had been sneaking off and sending her lots and lots of gifts for the babe, and still Elsie sewed away.

"They go through a lot Mr. Carson. Besides; you're worried about how many blankets I've made, and we don't even have any names yet. OOHO!"

"Elsie…"

"It's nothing just a big jab in my back. And as I said, we don't have any names yet."

"Yes that's rather a problem…" He paused, his mind wandering.

She giggled all of a sudden, placing her hand on her side.

"What is it?"

"It's just bitty toes, Mr. Carson." She giggled.

"Elsie…" He sat down again. "We've one more problem."

"Oh?" She furrowed her brow.

"In just days, maybe hours… we'll be a mum and da together." He began. "And I wish… Well, I'm very sorry you're not Mrs. Carson."

"Oh Charlie."

"We did this wrong."

Elsie looked down at her middle, stifling a laugh. "Well we certainly can't change our minds now!"

"Now let me finish. Mrs. Hughes, you know I love you so much. And I'm so glad that you accepted and are my beautiful fiancé but …. It's not enough when you're about to have my baby. I've loved you from the moment we met and I'm so sorry I didn't just say marry me when you asked me to father this baby. Because I should've."

Elsie stared at him, holding back tears. She wished he had too. "Charlie…"

"Elsie it was on my heart. And I say this to you now because it's still on my heart, and I'm deeply ashamed for not having said it before."

"Oh Charlie." She sighed, leaning over and hugging him. He held her tight, kissing her softly.

"I'd really like it, if we could sneak off somewhere and wed, it's not how I'd prefer to do it but…"

"No."

"What?"

"No. I told you before, I'm not marrying you when I'm nine months gone and the size of Downton Abbey."

Carson was taken back by the statement, and more hurt than he could say.

"Don't be absurd Mrs. Hughes." He said after a moment, his tone sounding as though he'd taken great offense to her words. "You're only the size of the kitchens."

"Get away with you." She teased.

He paused again, looking down at his hand as they traced the edge of her belly. "Is that really it though Elsie? Is it truly because you're nine months gone, is that the only reason you don't wish to be my wife?"

Elsie reached over, taking his chin in her hands. "Mr. Carson. I wish to be your wife with every breath in me, and I always have. I'd say our little cherub could attest to that, she only hears me talk about daddy all day long. But Charlie I want our wedding to still be something special. If we did it now, we'd be rushed and I'd be so embarrassed because of my condition… I want to wait. So that our little lass, can be a flower girl." She explained, his expression beginning to soften. "So that our wee boy can give mummy away." Tears came to Carson's eyes at this idea. "So that our honeymoon can be about us.. and when its over we can go home, to Downton."

"Oh Elsie do you promise?" He asked, the tears streaming down his cheeks.

Elsie reached up to dry them. "Only if you promise me, Mr. Carson that I'm not dreaming right now."

"No Mrs. Hughes, you are definitely not dreaming."

…..

"Charlie, what about the last name?" Elsie asked as he climbed into bed by her side.

It'd been something she'd known needed ample discussion, but she'd been terrified to bring it up, knowing he wouldn't like the realities of it.

"What do you mean? Of course it's Carson!" He seemed offended by the suggestion that his child might be called anything else.

Elsie sighed. "Charlie… I'm not sure how I can live here, alone with a babe when I'm called Hughes and she's called Carson. Don't you see the issue with that?"

"And when you return to Downton with a child bearing your name and not mine? I will not have it Mrs. Hughes, this is my child too and children have their father's names. It's simply the way it is."

Elsie sighed, taking a deep breath as she turned over on her side, rubbing her belly very softly. She giggled.

"What is it?"

"He has the hiccups, Mr. Carson. Something about daddy's cooking."

He laughed, placing his hands on her stomach, scooting into the covers besie her. "That certainly does feel funny, Mrs. Hughes." He smiled.

"Charlie."

"Hmmm?"

"Charlie, what about the first name?"

"Hmmm. Now that one is rather an issue. We've not discussed it."

"Now that's no way for our little love to start life, with no first name." Elsie bit her lip, slowly looking up at him. "And no last name."

"Oh Elsie it…" Carson stopped, noting she still bit her lip. "Elsie?"


	13. What A Wonderful Idea

Ch 13- What A Wonderful Idea

"Urgh ooooooh!" Elsie cried.

"There, there it isn't so bad my Elsie."

Carson attempted to soothe her, wringing a washcloth out over a basin of cold water as he placed it on her forehead. Elsie moaned, deep pain shooting through her insides as she cried out.

"Shuuuu my Elsie, you must save your strength."

Many hours passed, and Elsie cried as she labored by the fire. Almost a whole day had gone by since the pains started. The sun had rose, dusk had fallen, and all the twinkling stars had come to grace the sky once again. The doctor had come and gone countless times and finally just left them with a nurse. Carson was nervous even, having known that these things sometimes took many, many hours. Twenty-four seemed excessive to him and he worried that his love wouldn't be all right by the end of it.

Carson ran his fingers gently through her sweat-soaked hair as she lay there, trying to catch her breath. He worried about how the last stages of this would go, when she'd worked so hard and was so exhausted already. Elsie closed her eyes, desperate for rest, knowing that the real work was just beginning…. Hopefully.

"I think I'm getting close, Mr. Carson." She whispered, knowing in the back of her mind that it was wishful thinking on her part. "Thank you for sitting with me, and nursing me."

She was surprised at the care, which he took in tending to her, even knowing how caring he was. This was labor after all, and not a man's forte. She took her hand and cupped his cheek as she yawned, noting the exhaustion in his big brown eyes. It'd been more than a day, and neither of them had slept. Carson smiled, looking down into her eyes as he wiped off her sweat soaked forehead with a damp cloth.

"There's simply nowhere else I'd rather be, my Elsie." He kissed her forehead and whispered, "I love you."

Elsie laughed as she started to cry, her eyes still shut. "I love you too Mr. Carson, its what got me into this. Ohhh!"

Elsie was secretly worried her long, painful labor was a punishment for her sin. She knew the notion was ridiculous, but couldn't shake it. She wasn't Mrs. Carson and no amount of love in the world could change that. Elsie cried out again, clutching her blankets. The labor was slow, but the pains were sharp and quick.

"It's punishment." She started to blubber. "Ooooooh!"

"What? What on earth are you talking about?" He raised an eyebrow.

She grabbed his hand, squeezing it tight as the next contraction fully hit. As it ended, she lowered her voice several octaves so the nurse couldn't hear her in the next room. If nothing else, she was determined to keep this between her and Charlie.

"It's my punishment for being with you so wantonly Mr. Carson for being a, a, ahhhhhhhh!"

Carson almost jumped, this contraction the strongest he'd seen her have.

"Don't, don't say it. I'll not have you saying that of yourself. Please don't ever think this way. We may not be wed, but I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. You're not my…"

"Whore, Charlie, the word is whore!" She almost spat as the pain intensified.

He paused a moment, almost bewildered that she'd actually say it. "Ahhhhh!"

"There love, it's fine, you've got it. That's it." He didn't respond to the vial comment she'd made, and instead, placed a cold cloth on her head as the contraction came to a stop, leaving her laying there in tears. He kissed her on the forehead. "You're no such thing, you're a lovely, loyal, beautiful, delicate lady and I'm so sorry you're enduring this for my sake."

"I'm n lady, Charlie." She sniffled. "No lady'd have put herself in this position!"

"I have a hunch, I think you did it because you love me."

Despite the pain, Elsie couldn't help but giggle through her tears as the contraction picked up. "Don't laugh, please don't make me laugh."

"Fine then, no laughter." He soothed, now holding her tear-stained face in his hands. "You're a lady, you're the woman I'm in love with." He whispered quietly. "You're the love of my lie and the thing that keeps my heart beating, and you have been for a very long time."

Elsie bit her lip, looking up at him with very loving, tear-stained eyes. He cradled her face as she cried into his hands.

"You're my for better or worse."

"Oh Charlie." She whispered, reaching up to place his hand over his, gazing his engagement ring.

"You're the beautiful mother of my baby, and the woman who'd claim as mine no matter who asked me, or where, or when, or why."

"So even if… " Elsie shut her eyes, trying to bare with the pain as her contraction started again. "Even if Lord Grantham, and a host of his dinner guests happened by this bed to find me in this state and asked why you were kneeling between my legs…."

This made Carson crack a smile. "Then, I'd say pardon me m'lord, my Mrs. and I are quite busy having a baby at the moment."

Greatly relieved, Elsie started to laugh once more. "Your Mrs?" She asked.

"A piece of paper doesn't change the fact that in my heart, and in my head, and even on the tip of my tongue, you're my Mrs. Carson."

…

Elsie gave careful consideration to his words as the labor intensified to the max. Without warning, she found she had no interlude from the pain. And then, suddenly it sped up. The doctor returned and her many hours spent laboring turned from waiting and crying to pushing and crying, then suddenly…

"Two boys." Carson almost giggled. "Two precious little twin boys."

Carson found himself immensely proud and holding back tears. "Two perfect

sons." He beamed, looking down at his newborns as they sobbed.

The boys were sizable and had strong sets of lungs, but were tiny in Carson's eyes. He peered down into the little basket the nurse had laid them in, afraid to look at, let alone touch them. He'd known something special would come of that night, when the woman he loved asked him to father her baby but he never could've imagined it could be as incredible as this.

"My perfect sons." He marveled, turning back to Elsie, his heart spinning.

He would've treasured a girl; in fact, he'd wanted a girl… But sons were a man's inheritance. A showcasing of his virility, pride and heart… and to get two of them who he would raise to be honorable men who would take on his name and ensure the world didn't forget him. His heart soared.

He stared back at her a moment, filled with love, ashamed for her state and infatuated with her all at once. 'My Elsie's so powerful and beautiful and strong.' He said to himself. Deep inside, he thought there was something sacred about a woman who could safely endure nearly thirty hours of labor, all to bear him two strong, healthy, sons.

She lay there covered in sweat, staring back at him, her eyes heavy, a calm but deep smile resting on the curves on her lips. Their eyes locked as the babies screamed and his eyes welled with tears at the mere thought of all they'd been through, and how much they'd almost lost in the past few months.

"I love you." He whispered. "I love you so much more than the whole of the world."

"Here." The nurse said, Carson gulped, almost not ready for it when she placed each screaming newborn in his arms.

Carson marveled over them, his heart almost shuddering at their touch, he thought it'd almost stopped beating. The boys were so small, and he was so afraid he'd drop them.

"Elsie they're so perfect." He went and sat by her side, depositing the younger twin into her embrace. Elsie kissed the baby's head, tears of love and gratitude spilling onto his frame.

"My baby. "She whispered, beginning to sob now that she finally had one of them snug in her arms.

It was the second time she'd held them now, each having been placed on her chest as soon as he was born, but it hadn't been enough for her. She was weak and tired and desperate to see the fruits of her long labor.

"My wee baby boys, you're alright. My wee live little boys! Oh Mr. Carson." She sobbed. "We get to have him, two of him." She sniffled.

Now that they were here and they were two, Elsie was overwhelmed, all over again by having almost lost them. She couldn't even think of the devastation she'd have faced in baring two stillborn little boys, it would've torn her apart. But now, to get to have and to love two: it was beyond perfect.

"They're perfect, they're so much more than I ever thought they could be."

Carson and Elsie leaned into each other, sharing a deep kiss as the boys continued to scream.

"Mrs. Hughes… thank you so much for the greatest gift. The gift of your love."

"Thank you so much for believing in it." She whispered as he took her chin in hand and continued to kiss her.

Carson laughed, tears in his eyes as he cupped his child's head in his hand, his heart filling with awe at the sight of the baby's chubby cheeks and soft brownish hair: his hair.

'Oh my goodness he looks like me.' His heart soared. 'I see me.'

He'd come guarded in some way and not told Elsie. Even following the doctor's news that the baby had survived, he'd not allowed himself to take the promise to heart. How sure could he have been? Carson had secretly been thinking he'd get to see his stillborn child just the one time, never imagining that instead the baby would be quite alive and there'd be two of him.

"Oh Charlie. Charlie we get to keep him. We get to keep him and raise him and love him and not long for him all our lives. And better there are two of him! Oh my special baby boys, my oh so special baby boys." Elsie soothed, her heart bursting with love as she cuddled her sons.

"They're beautiful sons, what a wonderful idea their mummy had." Carson laughed through his tears.

"And I'll love them all the more because they look like daddy and when I look at them, I can see him everyday."

It was just what she'd wanted, to think of her Mr. Carson when he wasn't with her. Truthfully, the boys resembled both of them greatly, and somehow that was bittersweet. They had her eyes, his cheeks. They'd grow into his smile and hair that for the moment, couldn't decide what it wanted to be, but would ultimately become their mother's shade of brownish red.

Elsie smiled up at Carson, her smile breaking his heart as it dropped into the pit of his stomach. That was right, he would be leaving. How could he leave what met the very world to him? Moreover, how could he leave two defenseless little boys and their mother?

"Hello my sweethearts. Hello my little Mr. Carsons." She teased. "I love them so very much. Thank you for saying yes, to making a baby with me."

Carson paused a beat, a heavy burden on his heart at the reminder that he' d have to leave them. "It is I who should thank you from the depth of my soul for asking my darling." And without another word, he leaned down to kiss her again.

…

"What good strong lads we have." Elsie heard Carson say.

She was surprised to wake up and find him standing over the crib, tending to their identical boys. "Oh look, mummy's up, mummy's up, would my lads like to say their first good morning to the mummy who worked so hard to bring them here?"

The twins were awake, although barely and yawned as they tried to stare up at their dad. Half a day had passed since the twins' birth and Elsie had slept through every bit of it save the feedings. Elsie was deeply worried, not really knowing if she could do this without him when he was doing everything.

"Oh Charlie. Charlie I'm so tired." She yawned.

Elsie had had two six pound boys over the course of a thirty-hour labor. Now that it was over, she found herself beyond exhausted and deeply, deeply sore. Carson climbed into the bed beside her, a baby in the crook of each arm. She reached out and took the older one in her embrace as he yawned.

"Well." Carson teased. "Now that we've settled on their being Carson's…"

Elsie had conceded to the fact that the boys would be called Carson and not Hughes. In her heart she knew it was right to give her babies their father's name, but worried about the disadvantages they'd have, living with her when she was a Hughes.

"I think it's time we find proper names for our lads." He reminded.

Carson was upset that his boys did not have proper names, and while Elsie'd been thinking about what to name the baby for months now, she didn't feel she had the presence of mind to make a decision in her condition… nor had she considered names for twin boys.

The older baby started to fuss and Elsie cuddled him close, relieved as he latched on to her breast quickly.

'Maybe.' She thought, 'I can do this.'

"We'd not talked much of names." Carson considered.

"They protected each other, Charlie." She changed the subject slightly.

"Hum?" He questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"When Becky attacked me, they protected each other. That's why they made it here." She teared up. "My little lads must've been so scared and they're alright and so brave."

"That's right, perhaps they did cushion the blow each other received."

"Hello my miracle lads. I wanted to name one of you Charlie."

"Hmmm I'm unsure, Mrs. Hughes. It doesn't seem fair to call one after his da and one not."

"Perhaps not… But mummy liked it."

…

"Mrs. Patmore? Is everything alright?" Cora asked, concerned.

Beryl jumped, putting the letter in her apron as Cora kindly placed her hand on her shoulder. The Lady was visiting the kitchen to help prepare for that night's dinner party and had been saddened to come down and find her cook crying.

"Oh um…." Mrs. Patmore made up something quickly. "Oh happy tears, m'lady, a friend had a baby, a late in life baby."

"Oh that's wonderful news!" Cora smiled, happy to hear something nice for once.

Mrs. Patmore dried her tears once again when Cora left, taking the letter out of her pocket and reading it once again. Beryl had hidden the cute note so thoroughly partially because she feared Cora would recognize Elsie's beautiful handwriting.

'Our Dear Auntie Beryl and Daisy,' It read, 'We arrived safely on 18 August and can't wait to meet you. Love, XOXO Samuel and Logan Carson.'


End file.
